Here I am!!!!!
Jon I see you have taken my advice that i gave you last time concerning elaboration etc. but like the other people who responded said: There is still more you can do. I must say that this second piece is a great improvement over the last one. However, it could still use lots more of elaboration and characterization. Just keep these four words in your mind and make sure that you properly work them out: plot, characterization, style and description. Also I think Moriartty is absolutely right in saying that the terminology you use is way too specific. Write this way and your book can only be read by a small amount of people who understand it. This is IMHO a great shortcoming. You have to keep in mind the audience that you want to read your book. Also, just look at some popular fantasy novels like those by Tolkien, Jordan and Eddings. They all tend to be vague where magic is concerned. It is a mysterious power, and the reader doesn't get a clear idea what it can do or how it is done. I think that approach is a lot more exciting than saying that a certain mage cast a magic missile from his spellbook.
Good luck with your work!!!
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