..... He has full CKF (Chronic Kidney failure)..
He began going downhill since that new thrashing seizure. He's VERY skinny, and muscle mass is down.. he can't walk hardly at all. I have to hold him up so he can eat and drink. He can stand at the food, eating for a few mins, but then simply lays right there on his side.. but its worse when he first wakes up.. he's like a 'limp ragdoll'.. his legs are weak, and I can feel his kidneys, and they are larger and hard as a rock.
But he still REALLY loves eating and drinks. but I gotta carry him everywhere. To the food, drink, and bathroom. (something I don't mind doing. he's our boy).
But seeing him like this is so hard..
I know what comes.. as with Charly. He will eventually stop eating, and go into a coma, and die.
THE hardest thing I think is deciding if I should have him put to sleep when I see him stop eating.... on the one hand, I say 'he has fought his entire life, and would want to go out his way--or naturally... BUT, if I see he is suffering, and the end is near soon, would it not be ethical to let them put him to 'sleep'..
I know
quality of life is better than
quantity)...
In a crazy way it feels like murder. In another, it seems like a gentle way to allow his suffering to end. I just don't know what I could do. With Charly, he died on the bed, on his little blanket he always loved, with my arms around him, and he passed away.. watching him strain to gasp for breath was heart breaking, and burned into my memory forever.
But as of right now, he is resting most of the day, but he's alert, his mind and love is there.. he even purrs when I put my nose on his and nudge him.. he nudges back, and its a whole thing... its what cats, lion and other felines do to show affection.. And he responds.. returns the nudges, and purrs loudly.
(his purr does sound different now... more raspy).. but man.. what a fighter.. overcoming so much in life.. I think that is what I will always remember about Choc. To be a fighter.. to never give up... and push yourself. Something he taught ME!
He's laying down now, here next to me. his body is colder feeling... his paw pads are colder... (cats core temp should be 100F-102F)... So we bought a small heating blanket, and put it under a soft blanket, making a 'nest' for him, and covering him up with it (he loves to sleep under the covers at night). so this seems to help him a lot.
I know its the circle of life... and that life is loss, but its still so hard, watching someone you love fade away slowly... And I know he's scared to die... he doesn't want to go.. I know that sounds odd, but I can feel that.. he doesn't want to leave us.
ugh...
So we are spending the time we have left with our boy.
I'll keep you updated on things, guys..