Thread: The Depression
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Old 03-10-2001, 10:28 AM   #20
Griever
Manshoon
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Philippines
Posts: 211
no... i didnt break up. i am not even there. this is my clarification.

she knows how i feel, and now i know how i have been stupid these past few months...

maybe i should start from the very beginning...

i have known her for a while now, i could say for a year. and we have in touch with each other via text messaging(its so popular here). she had a boyfriend then. he was an asshole and he was arrogant, or whatever. i dont care. anyway she broke up with him.

before all that, i was null, i liked to be her friend, a close friend, she responded. and it made me happy helping her through all those tough shit she was goin through.. or at least that was what i thought.

after a few months, i suddenly was shocked with this development. i kept on denying it to myself that i did not love her and it was just an infatuation, blablah... unfortunately it wasnt.

by november, i decided to tell her what i felt. she said she wasnt ready, but i said i will wait...

by christmas she said i love you back at me. i was so happy, but it wouldnt last though...

unfortunately, again, i am not the only one chasing her, and well, i am not good with competition.

how i felt for her, how i want her to know what i feel, as in that deep thing, lalala, i couldnt relay it to her.

i think diffrently than most people do. lets take for example the prom. most people would say, "WEE!!! I HELD HER HAND!!!" Id think, whats with holding her hand if there is nothing else, meaning at least a thank you, or something that would make me feel wanted, loved.

if i had the guts to end my life, i wouldnt, and the reason would be her, even if i dont have her.

there was this one day, that my confidence in our friendship and a little in myself crumbled. we were texting, and she said she was going to talk to her coach(she is varsity in volleyball). i asked why, she replied regarding her slashes. i said the ones behind her thumb, she said yes, and the one on the wrist. PING.

in my book, slashing yourself in the wrist means that you are about to kill yourself...

i thought i meant something to her, someone special as she said i was. i am to comfirm these crap, if she really was ending her life at that moment. and if she was attempting it, that only means one thing...

that means that i dont mean anything to her, why? simple. she knew how i felt for her, and she meant the world to me, at least i could be the last pillar standing... if she felt rejected even by her family, she couldve thought that,"No... at least someONE loves me, cares for me, values me..." even if i were the only one, she should have held back and thought that... if she really meant what she said before...

a few days ago, kara and i were like fooling around, well until now actually. we are calling sweet names with each other and stuff... more of like a joke, but it makes me feel good, keeps me happy and sane. at least she calls me this, and its coming from a person i highly respect and trust, unlike the other one now, the one i said on the old forum.

this afternoon, i went to their school fair, i saw kara, and the other gang, but i feel sort of this hatred toward them, so i didnt greet them... kara was on this booth, i bought there and stuff, and then later that day i saw my date.

well, whatever. i felt happier i saw kara then to me seeing her.

i never realized, no, i just keep on denying the fact the the person i love the most, cared the most and etc, i havent made any effort, no, she wasnt reaching out. moving on, i realized that she is the one hurting me, killing me the most also.

the only thing i really wanted for her to do, is just initiate! god, a good morning, or whatever would make me feel cloud nine! why cant she do that?! why does it have to be always me? why?

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Tifa loves her Cloud, Squall loves his Rinoa, Sephiroth... loves his sword.
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