Your Horoscope For Today
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by Weird Al
Aquarius!
There's travel in your future
When your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life
By playing Whack-a-Mole seventeen hours a day
Pisces!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos
With the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance
No matter what those idiots at work say
Aries!
The look on your face will be priceless
When you find that 40-pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf
And give a hickey to Meryl Streep
Taurus!
You will never find true happiness
What you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up
Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
That's your horoscope for today
Gemini!
Your birthday party will be ruined
Once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble
When your finacee hurks a javelin through your chest
Cancer!
The position of Jupiter says that you should
Spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose
While taking your drivers test
Leo!
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
And staple it to your bosses face (Oh no!)
Eat a bucket of tuna flavoured pudding
And wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quick
Virgo!
All virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent
Except for you!
Expect a big surprise today
When you end up with your head impaled upon a stick
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
That's your horoscope for today
Now you may find it inconceivable
Or at the very least a bit unlikely
That the relative positions of the planets
And the stars could have a special, deep significance
Or meaning that exclusively applies to only you
But let me give you my assurance
That these forcasts and predictions
Are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence
So you would have to be some kinda moron
Not to realise that every single one of them
Is absolutely true, where was I?
Libra!
A big promotion is just around the corner
For someone much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine
Remember that when your appendix bursts next week
Scorpio!
Get ready for an unexpected trip
When you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem
You stupid freak
Sagittarius!
All your friends are laughing behind your back
Kill them!
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Morgan
You got hanging in your den
Capricorn!
Your stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person
But you know they're lying
If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows
And never, never, never, never, never leave my house again
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
That's your horoscope for today
Ah, I love this guy. That probably says something about my mental state, doesn't it? hehe
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