I feel for you Nice Worg.
I don't often suffer depression but the last 7 or 8 months, maybe longer have been psychologically draining. When I do fall into depression I'm not suicidal per se, just don't look after myself in any way shape or form. It's always hard to see forward. I think sometimes it's very hard for some people to understand. I personally think it's an illness, not being able to see straight or think positive is not "normal". Or better put, when you see this change in yourself you realise there's something abnormal about your mind, depresses you more. For me, depression can make me shitty and bitchy, right spiteful. Can turn me into a morose whiner, whingeing about anything. Can turn my self esteem so low that I really feel completely worthless, even so pathetic as to delete posts because now in my eyes my words seem unfit for anothers eyes, as if I'll taint them. These things of course depress me more. Seeing blatant changes in your own personality is also mentally crushing, knowing others can see it also hurts.... so the depressive cycle continues.
I think knowing why you are depressed is one thing, but overcoming it is completely different. Because we quite often can't overcome it by ourselves this too can be depressing. I pretty much know all my reasons, just can't always compartmentalise them, keep them in their place. Trying to help yourself can be depressive too. I've always been a very social person, big drinker, lots of mates that I meet or met regularly down the pub. Realising my drinking was compounding my depression I stayed out of the pub. Well let me tell you, if you've been going in pubs since you were 15, it's a big heave. Now my main social interraction is gone....very depressing in itself but it has to be done.
I so understand you when you say everything looks grey, grey, grey. The smallest things can take on enormous consequence, at least this happens in my case. Sometimes I look back at the triviality of the matter, see that my depressive head has made me see things wrong.....and so slip further into depression. Sometimes I (subconciously?) think people should know I'm down, should treat me with kid gloves, I get down when they don't. How can people know? I honestly amaze myself when I see my own stupidity sometimes. A further source of depression.
It's actually quite amazing the extremes depression can take you to, suicide obviously the ultimate. In my case I've had severe back pain for ages. Constant pain is obviously depressing in itself. I took a positive outlook a while back, try to get my mental and physical self back in shape. Because I pissed off some dear friends last week I slipped into a bad mental state. I despise myself when I hurt people. What do I do? Abandon all my medical care. Missed my X Ray appointment that I've waited an absolute age for and missed my doctors appointment for pain relief on friday. I'd been without any form of pain relief since monday, thought I'd hold out til friday, then don't bother. Madness!!
As it happens I felt a lot better after I thought things through Saturday evening. No point in staying down, down. I need to write a couple of apologies and get back on track with the doctors. It's important not to let the bad thoughts and memories take control.
Well, that's some of my little story, I don't know if you can take anything from that.
What I would say is you're taking the right steps. Try to keep your chin up son. You
WILL get through this period of your life. You're a young man and believe me when I tell you thousands of young people go through the same things every day. Think positive friend, see your doctor and don't be afraid or ashamed to tell your friends you need a lift. Lots of people are here for you.
Best Wishes.
Charlie.