[Lioness]

Triant look uneasy as he entered the city gates of the famed city of Altcar. It’s well known as ‘The City of Peace’, but has also over the years gained quite a reputation of being ‘The City of Thieves’. According to rumors heard from the Province of Helka, Triant knows that the thieves mostly take on visitors to the city; they are less aware of people around them as residents are. Nevertheless, Triant journeyed forth through the marble arch that marks the entrance to Altcar. He gazed at the beautiful shimmer it created as light shines on it.

Watch your tenses! You switch around from past to present a lot, especially in this paragraph. Your descriptions are good and clear, but sloppy grammer takes away from that. Pick one tense and stick to it.

“Triant. The name is Triant. Good night!” He replied as he jogged away in search of an inn. He took one quick look back at at where Sir Talgin was, but he was gone. Triant stopped to survey where Talgin was, but he was nowhere in sight. Triant shrugged his shoulders and assumed that he merely ran off to catch someone pick pocketing a poor victim. As Triant neared a jolly looking inn, he stared into the sunset. The sun was dipping down into the bluffs gracefully and slowly. Judging by the season, and the suns location, Triant assumed it was nearly 8:00 in the evening. The hotel neared and, etched on the wooden sign was gracefully written:

Here, again, it should be "Triant stopped to survey where Talgin had been..." Also, tell us *what* season it is. When creating a fantasy world, which you seem to be, make sure you locate your reader well.

Triant surveyed the outside of the place. It was quite tall, possibly 40 feet in height. The wood was quite run down looking, and some of the lower story windows were shattered or cracked. As old and rundown as it looks, it was still a nice place overall, and Triant liked the more beat up places. They didn’t attract as many pick pocketers as the ritzy inns did. As he stepped inside, the decor amazed him. It had marble counter tops with a silver binding around the edges of them. Triant assumed that, despite the poor appearance, this place was rich. Never judge a book by its cover has a new meaning thought Triant. He was abruptly shoved out of the doorway by a large man. Triant didn’t want to get into a fight so he swiftly stepped out of the way. Slowly he made his way to the counter to order a room. He hoped that they wouldn’t cost much as he was very low on money at the moment. People stared at his attire as if he were a bum walking into a palace. He almost was, but Triant didn’t mind because he was used to it.

This paragraph describes your character more than any adjective list ever could. Make sure you keep this up - actions are the best way to show the nature of a character. Still, though, watch your tenses!


I'll try and look over the second chapter a bit later. [img]smile.gif[/img] Keep posting what you have! An intriguing start.