[Stormymystic]

For those of you who have ever had hamsters...
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was "something wrong" with one of the two
hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just
lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer face on and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was
indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come
look at the hamster!"
Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's
having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and
Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I
accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her.
(in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting
my teeth)
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
ya know," she informed me.
(Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what
was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids,
this is going to be a wondrous experience, I
announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth."
"OH, GROSS!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife
wanted to know.
(I really do think she was being snotty here, too.
Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breached," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly
tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.
"Should I call 9-1-1?" my eldest daughter wanted to
know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in
his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted
to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what
she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her
womb, for God's sake!)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying
glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested
scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is
not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to
happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as
they come into maturity, like most males of any
species, they um... er.... masturbate. Just the way he
did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were
silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?", my wife
offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
understood.
More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle. And then laugh even more loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit the
upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just ... that... I'm picturing you pulling on
its ... its ... teeny little..." she gasped for more
air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the
hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad
everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,
Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter once again.
2 Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 Cage - 20 bucks...
1 trip to the vet - 30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's
tally-wacker... Priceless!