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NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT
> Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939), as amended by the Defence
> Act(1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place
> yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the
> American Conflict. You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle
> East where you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own
> Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth. The regulars are too
> busy driving Green Goddesses to be there themselves. Due to the recent
> rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of their
> liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned
> after previous adventures in the Falklands and the Gulf, it will be
> necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. H.M.
> Government has been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips
> with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of
> this offer - RyanAir also do a nice little £9.99 trip. Because of
> cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be
> necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as
> soon as possible: Combat Jacket Trousers (preferably khaki - but,
> please, no denim) Tin helmet Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
> Canteen (for holding water, not a selection of cutlery) Gas mask Map
> of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey 1:2,800 Outdoor Leisure Map
> of Iraq will do) Rifle Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
> Suntan oil
>
> If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank
> -
> Vickers Defence of Leeds are currently offering all new conscripts a
> 0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer
> is only available whilst stocks last. We would like to reassure you
> that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a
> free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will
> be entitled to the new War Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month, > index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should
> our side eventually lose. There may be little time for formal military
> training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos
> of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:
> The Guns of Navarone Kelly's Heroes A Bridge too Far The Longest Day
> Apocalypse Now The Matrix Blazing Saddles The Desert Song Mary Poppins
>
> We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
> To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of
> Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what
> may be involved. Yours faithfully,
>
> G Hoon
> Secretary of State for Defence
> (A Bush/Blair Production)
> Sponsored by Mars, the official snack of World War III
>
[ 02-18-2003, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: Lanesra ]
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