[Memnoch]

And in case anyone wanted to follow the over-by-over action, here it is (courtesy of my FAVOURITE UK newspaper the Guardian! )

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Australia's traditional inability to chase low scores is going to have to take a crazy twist here if England are going to win. They don't just need an early wicket - they need four early wickets. The conditions are helpful. But surely not so helpful that they can dismiss the Aussies for less than 117. We'll see. It will be Andy Caddick to Adam Gilchrist.

1st over: Australia 6-0 (Gilchrist 1, Hayden 5) need a further 112 Hayden straight-drives Caddick's fourth ball down the ground for four with the straightest of bats. England didn't reach six until the fifth over; Australia managed it in five balls.

2nd over: Australia 13-0 (Gilchrist 1, Hayden 11) need a further 105 Hayden carves Jimmy Anderson over cover for a muscular boundary, then nudges him to fine leg for two. England's hopes of tying the Aussies down early have evaporated into the muggy Sydney air. If that's meteorologically possible.

3rd over: Australia 18-0 (Gilchrist 6, Hayden 11) need a further 100 Gilchrist tucks Caddick through the vacant square-leg region for two, only for umpire Orchard to signal one short. Gilchrist makes amends by punching the next ball through the covers off the back for four. Unusually for Gilchrist, the ball merely dribbles over the rope. No emails yet. Don't tell me you've all given up on England?

4th over: Australia 24-0 (Gilchrist 6, Hayden 17) need a further 94 More runs for Hayden, who hammers Anderson to the point boundary with a swing of his anvil, and then pulls him round the corner for two more. The ball is suddenly refusing to misbehave.

5th over: Australia 44-0 (Gilchrist 26, Hayden 17) need a further 74 Gilchrist pummels Caddick's first ball over midwicket for four, murders his third slightly squarer for four more, then cuts his fourth through point to raucous cheers from the crowd, who might not have twigged that they're going to be horribly short-changed. As if to rub it in, Gilchrist takes an all-run four from the fifth ball after flaying a widish one straight through Michael Vaughan at cover point, and then flashes the final delivery of the over through cover. That's 20 runs and Nasser looks inconsolable. Gilchrist hit as many fours in that over as England managed in 41.

6th over: Australia 55-0 (Gilchrist 35, Hayden 18) need a further 63 Gilchrist square-cuts four more, this time off Anderson, who decides to go round the wicket. Little good does it do him, though, as Gilchrist muscles him over midwicket for yet another boundary. Boy, he hits the ball hard! That shot brings up the 50, which England didn't reach until the 22nd over, by when they had lost six wickets. Comparisons aren't odious - they're just tedious.

7th over: Australia 64-0 (Gilchrist 43, Hayden 18) need a further 54 On comes Matthew Hoggard for Caddick, whose three overs cost 31. His first ball is short and wide, and - needless to say - Gilchrist smashes him through the covers off the back foot. That's his ninth boundary, and his tenth follows next ball as he chops in the air through gully to the vacant third-man region. If the Guardian allowed me to write the word "piss", I would point out that this is precisely what Australia are taking at the moment. They are treating England as if they were the Netherlands. Only worse.

8th over: Australia 76-0 (Gilchrist 51, Hayden 22) need a further 42 Gilchrist pulls Anderson violently for four to move to 47 from just 26 balls, then thrashes him through mid-off to move to a 28-ball half-century. Forty-eight of his 51 runs have come in fours. This has been carnage of the highest order.

Guy Camp is suffering. "I've got a nasty headcold, but the combination of pseudo-ephedrine-based cold remedy and nicotine patches have almost rendered me oblivious to this display, I did have one moment of clarity in the last innings though: Brett Lee is a bit of a twat." Note to Lee's lawyers: it's just an opinion.

9th over: Australia 91-0 (Gilchrist 57, Hayden 30) need a further 27 Hayden, who has been made to look like a real slouch by Gilchrist, punches Hoggard through the covers and Caddick gives chase. As the ball slows up, Caddick dives dramatically, but can't scoop the ball back before it touches the rope. He finishes prostrate on the ground with the crowd mocking him. Will England be sorry to leave Australia? I seriously doubt it.

Meanwhile, more runs: Gilchrist carves Hoggard to third man for four, and is then dropped by Ian Blackwell at backward point as he aims a repeat. That was a tough chance. Not that it will matter.

"Maybe they'd have a chance if they were playing in Perth," writes Lucy Lingard. "It looks like it's going to rain. That'll be twice this week. I thought the weather was meant to be good out here."

10th over: Australia 99-0 (Gilchrist 63, Hayden 32) need a further 19 It's Ronnie Irani's turn to take the punishment. In fact, he concedes only eight runs off that over, compared with the overall innings rate of ten. If you're interested, Gilchrist's boundary for the over was a delicate chop past slip for four.

Oh dear. The Aussies are starting to take pity. "Sydney-siders not at the ground are following this on the web," writes Sunset Suzie, "since we have no live TV coverage. You poor bastards are doing it at 5am and getting thrashed to boot. I sympathise. I follow the Australian soccer team. The obvious solution is about ten hours of daylight saving whenever the national team plays overseas."

11th over: Australia 109-0 (Gilchrist 68, Hayden 37) need a further nine The Australian 100 comes up in 62 balls, 19 of which have been hit for four. That's nearly two boundaries an over. This is staggering. Hayden celebrates by cutting Hoggard through the covers for yet another four, and - just as staggering - the crowd are cheering every ball, despite the fact that they will be deprived of virtually half their overs. Gilchrist then pulls Hoggard through mid-on for four more. Have England ever been handed such a thrashing?

12th over: Australia 115-0 (Gilchrist 68, Hayden 43) need a further three Hayden lifts Irani for a monstrous straight six with little more than a flick of the wrists. That was disdainful and Hussain watches impassively as the ball sails over his head. Some bloke catches it in the crowd and goes delirious. Which is how I feel after watching this. For the record, Alec Stewart drops a thin edge off Hayden, but he is standing up, and Australia need only three more.

AUSTRALIA WIN BY 10 WICKETS Gilchrist takes a single into the covers, and Hayden scores the winning runs with a shovel to midwicket for two. Australia needed just 74 balls to beat England. No, to humiliate them. Gilchrist finishes with 69 off 37 balls, Hayden with 45 off 37. The sluggard. Australia go 1-0 up in what is nominally a best-of-three series, and it would take a madman to bet against them lifting the trophy on Saturday at Melbourne. Thanks for joining me. I'm just sorry it was so brief.