Turkey Joke:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Don't these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
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Redneck Joke:
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous, young blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma...."
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One more...
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Boudreaux answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties."
The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Thibodeaux was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Thibodeaux $600 a week.
When Boudreaux found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Boudreaux. "I sew the elastic on da panties, Thibodeaux puts dem over his head and says: "Yeah, diesel fitter."
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And lastly.....
Stressed Diet
Breakfast
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk
Lunch
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon Snack
The rest of the Oreo cookies in the package
1 tub of Hagen Dass ice cream with chocolate topping
Dinner
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Diet Coke
1 large pepperoni pizza
3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News
Entire fronzen Sara Lee cheesecake
(eaten directly from freezer)
Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts!
*editing to compile jokes in one place per Cloudy's request... [img]smile.gif[/img] (sorry bout that...I was having a field day with emails.
)
[ 11-21-2002, 07:48 AM: Message edited by: DragonMage ]