[John D Harris]

There are three nuns and a Mother Superior. The Mother Superior tells the three nuns that before they can receive their Saint name they had one final test. She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad.



After the three nuns return, the Mother Superior says, "Did you commit your sins?" They all shake their heads yes. The first two nuns are crying, the third is giggling.



The Mother Superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?"



The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I picked flowers from someone's garden." The Mother Superior says, "Go drink the Holy Water and it will be alright."



The third nun is dancing around in laughter.



The Mother Superior asks the second one. Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby." The Mother Superior says, "My child, drink the Holy Water and you are forgiven.



The third nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing. The Mother Superior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?" The third nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter, "I peed in the Holy Water."

***********

Taking Off

Passengers were waiting for the flight to leave. They were getting a little impatient, but the airport staff had assured them that the pilots would be there soon, and the flight could take off immediately after that. The entrance opened, and two men walked up the aisle dressed in pilot uniforms - both wearing dark glasses.
One was using a seeing-eye dog, and the other was tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spread through the cabin as the men entered the cockpit. The door closed and the engines started up. The passengers began to glance nervously around, searching for some sign that this was just a little practical joke.
None was forthcoming. The plane moved faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realized that they were headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it began to look as though the plane would never take off and that it would plow into the water, panicked screams began to fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly, and soon they had all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane was in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turned to the pilot and said, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
******************
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were
hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.
Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious
snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires
attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious
that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has
elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and
vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is
practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating
his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat
more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian,
"I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has
religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without
resolving the issue. When the trapper finally
returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung
his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.

His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."
**************
Long Life

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you
think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?
I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.
"No I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexywomen?"
"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80 ??"
*******************
A rich young lady from California, who was a tree

hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece

of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one

of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good

view of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl

that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady

slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in

her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest

country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor

listened to her story with great patience and then

told her to go into the examining room and he would see if

he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor

reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so

long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get

permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest

Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I

could remove old-growth timber from a recreational

area and I'm sorry, they all turned me down.