[John D Harris]

Men are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Every teenager should get a high school education, even if they already
know everything.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and
think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.' Health nuts are going to feel
stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had
an argument going.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they use to.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just
on
two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last
second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a
woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men
is they're a bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is
another theory which states that this has already happened.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
appointment,
and he says, I wish you'd come to me sooner.

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but
they've always worked for me.

You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and
those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration

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Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down
to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you
do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for
centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no-one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?