[Yorick]

Thought since it will soon be the 4th of July, not our Independence Day, to post something patriotic

To Beat an Australian

The following was said to have been written by a knobhead not in Austrialia:

"You probably missed it in the ruse of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in England had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to any sportsman who beat an Australian, any Australian. So I just thought I would write to let them know what an Australian is, so they would know when they found one.

An Australian is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Green. An Australian may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, American, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani, or Afghan. An Australian may also be a Kouri, Arnhemlander, Pinjanjarra, Redfernite, or one of the many other tribes known as indigenous Australians.

An Australian is Christian, or he could be Jewish, Sportist, Humanist, Feral, Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Greeks in Australia than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in Australia they are free to eat as each of them chooses. Yeeros, Kebab, whatever. An Australian is also free to believe in no sports. For that he will answer only to his artistic calling, not to the government, or to big-armed sports fans claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An Australian is from the most beautiful land in the history of the world. The root of that beauty can be found in the sheer raw untouched expanses, which recognise the God given right of each man and woman to the pursuit of happiness. Especially at a beach.

An Australian is generous. Australians have helped out Americans at every time of need. When Vietnam was overrun by the Red army 20 years ago, Australians came with yarns and beer to enable the Yanks to have a mate with them when they got their arses kicked. As of the morning of September 11, Australians had supported American wars more than any other nation.

Australians welcome the best, the best pole vaulters (whatshername from the Ukraine), the best swimmers (Popov), the best boxers (Kostya, Bugner), the best tennis players (that brat with the press hating father from hell), the best athletes. But they also welcome those who come last. The "Aussie battler".

The national symbol of Australia, Fatso the Fat Arsed Wombat, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming buttocks, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built Australia. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, earning a better life for their families. I've been told that the World Trade Centre victims included many of Australias different incorperated cultures, and languages, including those that aided and abetted the other terrorists.

So you can try to beat an Australian if you must. Sampras did. So did Nasser Hussein, and Cronje, and Bob Willis, and every bloodthirsty sportsman in the history of the world. But, in doing so you would just be beating yourself. Because Australians are not a particular people running a particular place. They are the embodiment of human spirit of obsessive compulsive sports-love. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an Australian.

[ 07-04-2002, 06:41 AM: Message edited by: Yorick ]