[Charean]

WOMEN

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

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As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women.

"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry."
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A Woman's Guide to buying Men Gifts

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
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And the man's commentary on the above joke:

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #1: Cordless drill batteries wear out after a couple of years, and instead of buying 2 replacement batteries for $47 each, buy a new cordless drill kit with 2 batteries for $89! You get a new cordless drill plus two fresh batteries for less than the cost of two replacement batteries. To really excel, find out if the new battery types are compatible with the older style; you'll really score huge points for that one.

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #1: That is not why men love cordless drills. I'm talking lust. For years we wanted them, hating the pesky cords. After we finally get one, the passion doesn't die. More, more. I'd use them in both hands, slapping batteries in like a clip into a full automatic. Take that you dirty picture hanging job. You too, low down deck planking. Besides, there are always new, better ones. Think of it as women and their shoes?

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #2: You can NEVER have too many tools; duplicates of every tool means a ready replacement for breakage or if you have to twist in alternating directions with both hands.

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #2: Breakage? We just need more because that's what more means. That and so we can actually find one of the suckers when we need one.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #3: Cars can be construed (by guys) as mechanical works of art. Better to buy anything to clean or wax it with (e.g., special "auto detergent", a new type of carnuba wax, an orbital buffer, etc.). Don't buy dangly key chain thingies, or anything that might be considered a little "foo foo"; guys hate foo foo.

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #3: We like it when you care about what we care about. He's right about the foo-foo.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #4: Right, correct, and absolutely. Men are not really interested in dressing up like a lady does. Instead, buy him sweats (a matching pair with the logo of his favorite sports team), or something in woodland camouflage.

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #4: Dressing us up is going the wrong way. Besides, isn't that just another way of trying to change us?

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #5: 'Nuff said...

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #5: Can't argue here.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.

Tom's Explanation of Rule #6: That's so true. At my house, everything like that, accrued over the past 20 years, has been relegated to a shelf in the garage.

Brad's Comments to Tom's Explanation to Rule #6: Somehow, the mood is never upon us to try drinking something new and wierd. We're funny like that.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #7: Not interested in smelling nice; get him a quart container of "Gunk Waterless Cleaner" instead.

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #7: Not smelling nice is just somebody else's problem.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #8: Order IS beauty ... everyone knows that. For the technological man in your household, get him one of the electronic labelmakers that can change the font, the size, the color ribbon, etc., and it prints instead of impacts the letters.

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #8: Men like order? Take out, maybe? We just like getting credit for accomplishing something even if it isn't really anything.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Tom's Explanation to Rule #9: I don't know about that. Part of being a man is the challenge of creating something "from scratch". Who really needs directions, anyway? Men have an inborn ability to KNOW how things go together. So there are a few parts left over. I never let a little thing like that stop me!

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Guy's Explanation to Rule #10: A '68 Fairlane may be a little limited; something infinitely better is a barely used 4 barrel Holley carb off a 454 SHO. It may even be adaptable to a lawn tractor.

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Guy's Explanation to Rule #11: Plus a knit cap, Gore-Tex cooking gloves, Teflon coated metal or titanium cooking utensils, a 15 lb. chemical fire extinguisher that'll fit a NASCAR roll cage mounting bracket, etc.

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #11: Fire, smoke, hot steel. What's not to like?

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #12: "Quilts? Ummm, I need to change the oil in the truck and give it a tune-up, but you go ahead without me..."

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #12: Do you need help under that truck?

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #13: Chainsaws are a "coming of age" tool for a man, much like a first pickup truck or a 30-06 rifle. A corollary: If you chose to get him a chainsaw, get him the biggest or next to the biggest chainsaw you can find; preferably the type used up in the Yukon or Canadian territories. Get the bright orange & white Stihl 24-incher or the bright red Husqvarna with a massive wood hook to jam into the log while cutting. Never mind that he'll only ever use it to cut up the firewood he already bought in small chunks; it'll actually become a conversation piece among his friends, and soon every other wife will have you to thank for buying him his chainsaw pride & joy.

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #13: It is not a thing a man will buy for himself, it has to be awarded.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #14: Step ladders are for changing light bulbs. Real work requires the ability to extend to the peak of your roof from the side of the house, even if you could use a 12 footer to get over the low side. You never know when you'll have to install a new satellite system. A minimum of 24', Class IA extension ladder in either aluminum or fiberglass.

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #14: We just don't need a step ladder. A chair or table will do. When we have to stack 10 or 12 up..... THEN we need an extension ladder.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #15: Rope is a universal tool. You can pull a disabled car to the garage, remove an engine block, tie down a load of lumber, or lift a heavy item straight to the second floor without going through the house. Best purchase would be 100+ feet of 10mm climbing rope that can be used for rappelling on weekends or building a rope bridge.
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What Men Really Mean....

"Will you marry me?"
Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the
washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers
of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed
to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a
vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing,
pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said,
and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that
you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.
I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry
and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling
the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means.... "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without
printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a
new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her."
Really means.... "She dumped me."