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* The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol
content.
* I live in my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.
* I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
"Implants?"
* I don't do drugs any more 'cause I find I get the same effect just
standing up really fast.
* Sign in Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea"
* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
* I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
* If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
* I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get
elected.
* The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.
* There are two sides to every divorce -- yours and Shithead's.
* If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,
make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...
now THAT'S a message!!
* I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
* Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
* I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
* I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been
giving me lately!
* Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.
* Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
* Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one
busted condom.
* If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead
rabbits on the highway?
* How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50
for Miss America?
* Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
* Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
* Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
* The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage
disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
* Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
* Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise
words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
* Many people will walk in & out of your life, but only true friends
will leave a footprint on your heart.
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Crustiest of the OLD COOTS
Airline ticket to Afghanistan $800
High powered rifle with scope $1000
Hotel room with roof access $100
A clean Head shot on that sack of Horse Manure Usuma Bin Laden PRICELESS!
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