[skywalker]

A Couple of French Knights

ARTHUR: Halt!

[horn]


Hallo!

[pause]


Hallo!


FRENCH GUARD: Allo! Who is eet?


ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?


FRENCH GUARD: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.


ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.


FRENCH GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.


ARTHUR: What?


GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!


ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?


FRENCH GUARD: Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)


FRENCH GUARDS: [chuckling]


ARTHUR: Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?


FRENCH GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!


ARTHUR: Well, what are you, then?


FRENCH GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!


GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?


FRENCH GUARD: Mind your own business!


ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!


FRENCH GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!


GALAHAD: What a strange person.


ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man--


FRENCH GUARD: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!


GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?


FRENCH GUARD: No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!

[sniff]


ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.


FRENCH GUARD: (Fetchez la vache.)


OTHER FRENCH GUARD: Quoi?


FRENCH GUARD: (Fetchez la vache!)

[mooo]


ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--

[twong]


[mooooooo]


Jesus Christ!


KNIGHTS: Christ!

[thud]


Ah! Ohh!...


ARTHUR: Right! Charge!


KNIGHTS: Charge!

[mayhem]


FRENCH GUARD: Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.

[mayhem]


FRENCH GUARD: And this one's for your dad!


ARTHUR: Run away!


KNIGHTS: Run away!


FRENCH GUARD: Thppppt!


FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting]


LAUNCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!


ARTHUR: No, no. No, no.


BEDEVERE: Sir! I have a plan, sir.

Later...


[wind]


[saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw]


[clunk]


[bang]


[rewr!]


[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak]


[rrrr rrrr rrrr]


[drilllll]


[sawwwww]


[clunk]


[crash]


[clang]


[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]


[creak]


FRENCH GUARDS: [whispering]


C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Allons-y. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here...

[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]


[clllank]


ARTHUR: What happens now?


BEDEVERE: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!


ARTHUR: Who leaps out?


BEDEVERE: U-- u-- uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh...


ARTHUR: Ohh.


BEDEVERE: Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden badger--

[clank]


[twong]


ARTHUR: Run away!


KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!

[CRASH]


FRENCH GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh...


Mark