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skywalker · 10-12-2001, 03:42 PM

How to Find that Perfect Shrubbery

ARTHUR: Old crone!

Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?

[dramatic chord]

OLD CRONE: Who sent you?

ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say 'Ni'.

CRONE: Aggh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.

ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... 'ni'.

CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!

ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... ni!

CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies!

ARTHUR: Ni!

CRONE: [cough]

BEDEVERE: Nu!

ARTHUR: No, no, no, no, i--

BEDEVERE: Nu!

ARTHUR: No, it's not that. It's 'ni'.

BEDEVERE: Nu!

ARTHUR: No, no. 'Ni'. You're not doing it properly. No.

BEDEVERE: Ni!

ARTHUR and BEDEVERE: Ni!

ARTHUR: That's it. That's it. You've got it.

ARTHUR and BEDEVERE: Ni!

CRONE: Ohh!

BEDEVERE: Ni!

ARTHUR: Ni!

CRONE: Agh!

BEDEVERE: Ni!

ARTHUR: Ni!

BEDEVERE: Ni!

ARTHUR: Ni!

BEDEVERE: Ni!

ROGER THE SHRUBBER: Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman?

ARTHUR: Erm,... yes.

ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.

ARTHUR: Did you say 'shrubberies'?

ROGER: Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is 'Roger the Shrubber'. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

BEDEVERE: Ni!

ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No!

Anddddd:

Shrubbery or Herring? That is the Question

ARTHUR: O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?

HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly,... but there is one small problem.

ARTHUR: What is that?

HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.

KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Shh!

HEAD KNIGHT: Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zu-owly-zhiv'.

RANDOM: Ni!

HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.

ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- knights who till recently said 'ni'?

HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!

[dramatic chord]

ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!

RANDOM: Ni!

HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.

KNIGHTS OF NI: A path! A path! A path! Ni! Shh! Knights of Ni! Ni! Ni! Shh! Shh!...

HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!

[dramatic chord]

KNIGHTS OF NI: A herring!

ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!

HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!

ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.

KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT: Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word.

ARTHUR: What word?

HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.

ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?

KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT: You said it again!

ARTHUR: What, 'is'?

KNIGHTS OF NI: Agh! No, not 'is'.

HEAD KNIGHT: No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying 'is'.

KNIGHTS OF NI: No, not 'is'. Not 'is'.

BEDEVERE: My liege, it's Sir Robin!

MINSTREL: [singing]

He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.

ARTHUR: Sir Robin!

ROBIN: My liege! It's good to see you.

HEAD KNIGHT: Now he's said the word!

ARTHUR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?

MINSTREL: [singing] He is sneaking away and buggering up--

ROBIN: Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it.

HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again!

KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!

ROBIN: I was looking for it.

KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!

ROBIN: Uh, here-- here in this forest.

ARTHUR: No, it is far from this place.

KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word...

ARTHUR: Oh, stop it!

HEAD KNIGHT: ...we cannot hear! Ow! He said it again!

ARTHUR: Patsy!

HEAD KNIGHT: Wait! I said it! I said it!

[clop clop clop]

Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh!

KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!...

Narrative Interlude

NARRATOR: And so, Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty-four. Beyond the forest, they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing.

KNIGHTS: Yay! Yay!

[woosh]

NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels.

MINSTREL: [high-pitched] Get back! Eee!

NARRATOR: And there was much rejoicing.

KNIGHTS: Yay!

Mark

10-12-2001, 03:42 PM	#16
skywalker Banned User Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: VT, USA Age: 64 Posts: 3,097	How to Find that Perfect Shrubbery ARTHUR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery? [dramatic chord] OLD CRONE: Who sent you? ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say 'Ni'. CRONE: Aggh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here. ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... 'ni'. CRONE: Agh! Do your worst! ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... ni! CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies! ARTHUR: Ni! CRONE: [cough] BEDEVERE: Nu! ARTHUR: No, no, no, no, i-- BEDEVERE: Nu! ARTHUR: No, it's not that. It's 'ni'. BEDEVERE: Nu! ARTHUR: No, no. 'Ni'. You're not doing it properly. No. BEDEVERE: Ni! ARTHUR and BEDEVERE: Ni! ARTHUR: That's it. That's it. You've got it. ARTHUR and BEDEVERE: Ni! CRONE: Ohh! BEDEVERE: Ni! ARTHUR: Ni! CRONE: Agh! BEDEVERE: Ni! ARTHUR: Ni! BEDEVERE: Ni! ARTHUR: Ni! BEDEVERE: Ni! ROGER THE SHRUBBER: Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman? ARTHUR: Erm,... yes. ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history. ARTHUR: Did you say 'shrubberies'? ROGER: Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is 'Roger the Shrubber'. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. BEDEVERE: Ni! ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No! Anddddd: Shrubbery or Herring? That is the Question ARTHUR: O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now? HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly,... but there is one small problem. ARTHUR: What is that? HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'. KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Shh! HEAD KNIGHT: Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zu-owly-zhiv'. RANDOM: Ni! HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test. ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- knights who till recently said 'ni'? HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery! [dramatic chord] ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery! RANDOM: Ni! HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle. KNIGHTS OF NI: A path! A path! A path! Ni! Shh! Knights of Ni! Ni! Ni! Shh! Shh!... HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring! [dramatic chord] KNIGHTS OF NI: A herring! ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing! HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please! ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done. KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! HEAD KNIGHT: Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word. ARTHUR: What word? HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear. ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is? KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! HEAD KNIGHT: You said it again! ARTHUR: What, 'is'? KNIGHTS OF NI: Agh! No, not 'is'. HEAD KNIGHT: No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying 'is'. KNIGHTS OF NI: No, not 'is'. Not 'is'. BEDEVERE: My liege, it's Sir Robin! MINSTREL: [singing] He is packing it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering up And chickening out and pissing off home, Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge. ARTHUR: Sir Robin! ROBIN: My liege! It's good to see you. HEAD KNIGHT: Now he's said the word! ARTHUR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail? MINSTREL: [singing] He is sneaking away and buggering up-- ROBIN: Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it. HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again! KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! ROBIN: I was looking for it. KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! ROBIN: Uh, here-- here in this forest. ARTHUR: No, it is far from this place. KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word... ARTHUR: Oh, stop it! HEAD KNIGHT: ...we cannot hear! Ow! He said it again! ARTHUR: Patsy! HEAD KNIGHT: Wait! I said it! I said it! [clop clop clop] Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh! KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!... Narrative Interlude NARRATOR: And so, Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty-four. Beyond the forest, they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing. KNIGHTS: Yay! Yay! [woosh] NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels. MINSTREL: [high-pitched] Get back! Eee! NARRATOR: And there was much rejoicing. KNIGHTS: Yay! Mark