Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most
awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words ,
"Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they
put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six
lane highway."
Or, "Bless her heart, she's so bucktoothed, she could eat an
apple through a picket fence."
There are also the sneakier ones that I remember from tongue
clucking types of my childhood: "You know, it's amazing that even
though she had that baby 7 months after they got married, bless her
heart, it weighed 10 pounds!"
As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult can't be all
that
bad, at least that's what my Great Aunt Tiny (bless her heart, she was
anything but tiny) used to say.
I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling me
about her new Northern friend who was upset because her toddler
is just beginning to talk and he has a Southern accent. My friend, who
is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs
of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had
CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. "Can you
believe it?" said my friend. "A child of mine is going to be
taaaallllkkin
liiiike thiiiissss."
Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the
North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships
and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten
past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here.
The ones who really gore my ox are the native Southerners who have
begun to act almost embarrassed about their speech. It's as if they want
to bury it in the "Hee Haw" cornfield. We've already lost too much.
I was raised to swanee, not swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone
say that anymore, I swanee you don't. And I've caught myself thinking
twice before saying something is "right much," "right close" or "right
good" because non-natives think this is right funny indeed.
I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've
got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also
gets a giggle every time I am fixin to do somethin.
My personal favorite was uttered by my aunt who said, "Bless her heart,
she can't help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."
To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southernness:
take two tent revivals and a dose of redeye gravy and call me in the
morning. Bless your heart!
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all
this Southern stuff, blees your hearts, I hear they are fixin to have
classes on Southernese as a second language!
Bye Bye Y'all!
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"the memories of a man in his old age,
are deeds of a man in his prime"