Reported as a true story: (didn't happen to me, though!)
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. With the corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich" she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
... I love mustard.
..... I had no napkin.
....... I licked it off.
......... It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have ever sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon'."
------------------
