Um. Haven't read all of it, but enough to be able to mention a few things.
1.Although very derivitive, you have a good eye for the dramatic scene.
2.You obviously enjoy writing. It shows. A writer who ENJOYS it so much has the potential to become a GOOD writer.
3.You really need to learn something about sentence structure. This is VITALLY important if you want people to enjoy READING your writing as much as you enjoy the WRITING.
If you want me to, I can do a rewrite of ONE PARAGRAPH to show you what I mean about sentence structure.
Over to you!
------------------
