I hope you are serious about wanting criticism,, AzureWolf?!
I printed out your story and have read it carefully, several times.
Praise first: (always give the sweet before the medicine..!): You have a feel for language. That's good. Nice descriptions. You are getting a sense of 'atmosphere' as well. The characters in chapter one start well. You could become a good writer.
Chapter one is also by far the best part of the story, less self-conscious, less wordy, more atmospheric, and also much easier to relate to. I wanted to KNOW about Nerian and his dad!
Medicine: 1)You seriously need to improve your grammer!
2)You should forget 'Revelations' & 'Prologue'. I know you enjoyed writing those bits, (
) but that material would be better used in a different way. It is too contrived and derivative as it is.
Ahem... I hope we are still friends?
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Smile! Life is too short for bitching!
Fljotsdale