Ertai, my friend,
I grew up depressed, brought about by a hateful and abusive mother and siblings that tortured me (locking me in a closet all day or tying me to a tree outside, scaring me to sleep every night) and played on her hatred for me (I am the only one of us that looks like our father who was not always there). I understood where her hate came from since she reminded me almost constantly but I didn't get how a mother could hate her own child or how brothers and sisters could be so cruel when they all spoke amongst themselves of how important "family" is and how "family" is all you have.
Top that off with the fact that she was the "town witch" in a small town and people were afraid of us, kids and adults alike. Man did I ever feel alone.
The only friends I made were those who were brave enough to befriend the witch's daughter and even braver to return to the witch's house more than once (once most of them saw her "evil eye" they never came back or wanted to talk to me anymore).
It took some determination when I was 24 years old to get my act together when I found myself divorcing for the second time, near dead from an auto accident with a small child who had only me to depend on, and truly on my own for the first time in my life.
I studied Psychology to find out what was so wrong with me and in the process I learned a lot about being human~the human "animal" that we all are...having feelings, the way we chose to (or not to) react on them and how we can carry aroung resentment and guilt that sometimes does not belong to us, but rather to the people we have in our lives.
I think that I am a very happy person (except on those days when I am reminded that my dad passed away last year without me getting to hug him in twenty years).
Depression is a very easy thing to fall into and a very hard thing to get out of because it LITERALLY creates its own chemicals in your brain. Keeping it there and feeding it by letting your emotions get the better of you is a sure way to end up whacked. Drugs don't help, they only make it worse. Medications mask it and turn it into something else, at least that is what I saw with people I knew who took legal drugs for their depression. I would rather be mentally healthy than put into a false state of mind by drugs of any sort, life is a whole lot easier to understand and deal with.
Some of the things I learned in dealing with MY life are:
#1) Let go of all the bad feelings you are hanging onto about yourself that someone else pointed out. They don't exist and belong to the person (or persons) who brought them to life. (Like my mother and my sister told me all the time that I was stupid and ugly...I'm neither!)
#2) Take the things that you think are bad about yourself, the things that YOU brought to life and do away with them by making them "history" (Like lying just don't, you will learn how valuable the truth really is~you'll also be able to have more respect for yourself~that's why I left my first husband, he just lied about anything and everything, as nice as he was I did not respect him for it)
#3) Don't try to deal with all your problems at once...take those that you CAN do something about and do something about them so that they are no longer a problem (small things, big things, anything you can do something about, you know?). At the same time, take those problems that you CAN'T do anything about right now and set them aside. They will be there waiting for you to deal with WHEN YOUY CAN...in the meantime, you CAN'T, so don't even try!
#4) Don't dwell on what makes other people happy (except, of course, your brother) but instead, do what makes YOU happy when you need to...if those other people are your friends, they'll either do it with you or be there when you get back. A true friend understands that your time is your time and that when you spend it together, it is something special & not a necessity for them to live (this gets rid of clingy people that need to deal with their own lives instead of trying to live yours...you don't need it but can still offer them companionship if and when you have the time).
#5) Don't sweat the small stuff, no one really cares!
#6) Be true to yourself. If you don't like your surroundings or the present situation you are in, do something to fix it or change it but DO SOMETHING!
Eat a healthy diet and exercise...exercise, no matter how little you may do a day is a sure way to rid your body of STRESS, something you DON'T need! The healthy diet will get rid of all the weird crap you get out of junk food and will allow your body to function on a "real" level rather than one that is pumped up on un-nautral ingredients~take sour cream for example...you eat the store brand or the "other kind"? Read the labels and compare them, you'll be suprised at the difference! It's all this little stuff that makes YOU feel better and be able to think straighter, handle stressful situations easier and basically be able to cope on a daily basis with whatever life throws your way.
#7) Live every minute as if it is your last~it just could be! Make happiness a priority and sadness will eventually seem alien.
Soon enough you will attract people of a like mind and you will find someone who will fall in love with you as quickly as you do them and you'll find that there are people out there who don't mind the fact that your life has to include your brother and they will be there with you to help you carry the load.
You need people who care in your life but the first step is caring abiout yourself. Not saying that to be judgemental, but saying it because I experienced it and everything in my life is pretty wonderful, right down to the grandfather in this home, who can't always take care of himself and needs me to be there to help.
Love, Hugs & Peace,
Moni
