|
H&R Block rep's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that
needs no polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story.
This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the
midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions,
and credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself.
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are
evil & expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my
responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to
care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over
the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and
reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you
put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions
about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed
to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should
be a breeze; next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful
that you will now be responsible for that little expense.
While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't
run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating
some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early
to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she
possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I
have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is
always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this
in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had
a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you
like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, Utah? Kids at 14
will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have
plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a
source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She
came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading
courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good
news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that
you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask
the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of
terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand
the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her
to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy
and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of
"nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the
entire thing than find out what it is really made of. You denied two of
the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you
will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with
Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I
still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you
take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a
military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as
possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover
the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.
Yours Truly,
Bob
Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date: "Rats,
they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions."
|