(The movie opens in a suburban home, where, the heroine is having
breakfast with her adorable son.)
HEROINE : Well, it's a peaceful day! No sign of any disasters!
SON: Mom, do you have a husband or romance interest?
HEROINE : No, Bobby, although I am a top scientist and very attractive.
(The phone rings.)
HEROINE : Uh-oh! I hope that's not a worker from the lab, calling to
tell me about an impending disaster!
LAB WORKER : Trish, a disaster is impending!
HEROINE : I'll be right there! (To her son
Bobby, you stay here and
be vulnerable.
SON : Mom, will the disaster end up striking this exact house and
placing me in grave danger?
HEROINE : Of course!
(We see an exterior shot of the White House. Inside, the president,
looking grim, is holding an emergency Cabinet meeting.)
PRESIDENT : Haven't I seen that exterior shot before?
VICE PRESIDENT : It's the same one they use in the Tom Clancy movies.
PRESIDENT : OK, somebody set up the plot.
SCIENCE ADVISER : Mr. President, unless something is done, a disaster
is going to strike in 90 minutes, sending miniature cars flying in all
directions.
PRESIDENT : Ninety minutes! Why so long?
SCIENCE ADVISER : We need to build up the suspense.
GENERAL : Sir, we must launch a nuclear strike against Houston!
PRESIDENT : Why?
GENERAL : I hate Houston.
PRESIDENT (To the hero) : Jake, you're incredibly good-looking.
I want you to take your minority sidekick and get over to the
laboratory immediately and develop a romance interest with the
heroine.
HERO : I'll do what I can, sir.
(The next scene is in the laboratory. The hero and heroine are staring
intently at a computer screen.)
HEROINE : . . . and so by using the mouse pointer, you can drag the
three of clubs over onto the four of diamonds.
(A lab worker rushes up.)
LAB WORKER : Trish, the pantograph is giving us a vector plasma reading
in the cosine range!
HERO : What does that mean?
HEROINE : Nothing. It's movie science gibberish. But it's time for the
disaster! And my son is home alone!
(The scene shifts to the heroine's neighbourhood. People are screaming;
miniature cars are flying everywhere.)
HEROINE : This is terrible! Thousands of people are being killed!
HERO : It's OK! They're extras!
SON : Help! Help!
HEROINE : My God! It's Billy!
SON : No, it's Bobby!
HEROINE : Oh, right.
HERO : I'll save him!
HEROINE : Watch out for the special effects!
(The hero, dodging miniature flying cars, saves the son.)
HEROINE : Now we can be a family unit!
SON : With Val Kilmer? I thought the hero was going to be Tom Cruise.
HERO : He wasn't available.
(The final scene takes place back to the White House, where everybody is
relieved.)
PRESIDENT : Whew! Although we lost 124 million people, all the main
characters survived except the minority sidekick!
(The Cabinet applauds.)
GENERAL : So now can we attack Houston?
PRESIDENT: OK by me.
(THE END)