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Bahamut · 03-26-2001, 07:54 PM

This is… a farewell message. I don’t know why, but it seems that I myself feel like leaving this board. For some reason, I think I have to go on and do something different. I love it here, I want to be here, but I cant keep up. Not that im saying that you guys spam a lot or something, its juts If I had more time, I would be like a moderator. Hehe how funny. Time… for… this and that… I just had a new philosophy while taking a shower, and that is, there is time for everything… as long as you keep that in mind. Now to me it seems so pathetic a reason on we leave this board because we have no time, etc. its not that. I think the sole reason is that this board is not that important to the other things you can put more time on. I mean come on, lets say your son was in the hospital. Which would you pick. Its obvious right? Anyway, the event in the shower hit me- I am once again overwhelmed by the painful reality of this world.

Things don’t go our way all the time, which makes it fun. But, I hate the fact that everything is going your way except for the one you really really like. I always hurt at this… for the one thing I would do everything for… and I cant get it. Maybe this prom? But I just bet to myself that it would be a nightmare. For her that is… ill be there enjoying the hell out of it, but the problem is forgetting her. I get more comfy when I just drift around the girl, being cool and funny in front of her, but when it goes to direct contact, bah, useless. Don’t worry, ill still keep you updated with the prom itself and post-prom.

I watch anime, not all of them, movies, duh, and some other series tv thing. The ones that hit me are animes and movies with romances. Well, I think I understand as im writing… this is my weak point. I want to be someone highly respected, loved and cared for, and those romantic happenings that I long for: and to think I don’t read any romantic stories, just by accidentally watching, I feel like im so stupid. Hehe there was this one anime, on axn, the title, boys be. The girl said in the end, the childood friend of the main character, “I’ll be waiting” with all the happenings in the story, I felt so happy. As if I was the one being referred to. Hehe funny, then it struck me again. Good for the guy. Now I think the ending is they are going to kiss and make up. how romantic and loyal, and how exremely lucky the guy is. He just doesn’t see it, but damn hes so lucky. Some other animes make me feel like a hero and makes me want to create a character of my own… the hero of the story…

Maybe it is because I study in a school that is all boys? If that’s the case, maybe my suicidal attempts will be delayed in college. Believe me, I suddenly lost the fear of cutting myself. And a little more, I might not even be scared of dying. In my case of death, it is easily seen that society is the problem, not me. That is because if they showed their care and support, it would never even cross my mind. Think about it…

I may be a weak person, for I cannot contain my emotions or put them into one place. I mean, if I were strong, I would not even be whining right? I have a powerful mind, but not a powerful barrier for me to supress the feeling of what im thinking. For crying out loud, my chest is tight, cant breathe, over what? Some cartoon or like in FF7, Aeris’ death. It made soooo freaking sad… hey, are they real, not. Some couple fight over this, in movies, id be super pissed. They come back together, wow. And then I think, and I apply it to myself. Sadly, bad result.

Believing into something, believing so hard it would come true… in this world, someone who has more wits and aggression wins. Faith is not so good this time. In some cases, it wont apply, but those chances are very small, and I consider it happening to me is 1:10000000. What if I transferred into a different country? Will that help? A few more years, I’ll take up psychology and go to the U.S. Ladyzekke, im looking fer ya!

I am so young, and I feel as if I already breezed through life, and my friend says, “hey, were only 16, we still have A LOT to go through.” Can I handle this? Im frail inside, I know it. This world maybe is not for me. If I were born earlier, id be great, since I live in honor, chivalry and tradition. People now live for sex and money. I wonder how men think of women as playthings- as I think of them as goddesses than roam the earth, to be loved and respected. And still, they got all of them… wow.

My thoughts are funny, and they go round and round. The fact that the phrase, “ill be waiting” hurts like hell to me, it may not to all of you. No matter what I do, I get nothing… or maybe if did something?

“her”. This mystery girl is named Joelle. Like as mentioned in the old forum. What if asked her out, surprised her by going to her house? I believe in words to much… I thought constant communication would be nice… but no. well, its that hard if it aint mutual. Tough luck for me eh? Now, I am struck by the mere fact that it is in general. Not specific. My love will not be answered back… in general…
or, is my being negative doing all of those hallucinations? If I were to reverse the polarity, would it end like I wanted it to be? But as I said, it has to be mutual, that’s why… that’s why…

there are more, but they all end up the same. Maybe another reason is I don’t want to cause you guys any more burden than you already have… you have your own lives remember? This board is for fun, not tragedy. I see it now… we go all here to shoo our problems away… but to me, my brainpower is all to powerful to counter anything you throw to me… which makes it worse. So, whether I seek help. I counter it… meaning thanks for you help bozo. Hehe would guys prefer id be stupid or this problematic?

JJ, thanks for your help on my depression thread. It made me feel… good. Hehe. Wofgir, ill try that howling in the woods when I find one here. Memnoch, I remember you as lord kymil… whered you get that? I thought you were just a 13 year-old kid back then… tobbin, hehe I end up eating my words eh? Moiraine, thanks for the cds, you know how I feel about them. Gabriel, you challenge me, to make more poems… Armisael, you know what? I always tried to get your respect, and your farewell on the old thread made me feel good, especially coz its coming from you. Melusine, im sorry if I could not send b-day cards… I have my list, but you could drop me off your list. Yorick, “Don’t walk away” Cloudy for keeping the board aloft… I just wanted to use that word.. teehee… ladyzekke, beloved sister, thanks for your company and keep rocking for me… and to all those I forgot, youre not important enough. J/k!!!!

I am not gonna say ill never forget you all, its pathetic, that’s never true, or at least half-true. Anyway, id just say youll always be a part of me, the humor, the way of thinking, speaking, get it… the heart doesn’t remember by name, but by actions… youll always be a part of me… I may forget, but the heart always remembers… ill be checking once in a while… I don’t want you guys fighting.

Ironic, I thought id be the last one leaving the board… give me a reason on why I should stay… when it clicks, maybe, if you want me that bad by the way…

Have a good life ahead of ye, and I hope ill always be a part of YOU

Ryan

------------------

I...AM...BAHAMUT...AND IT IS YOU PEOPLE...I FEAR

03-26-2001, 07:54 PM	#1
Bahamut Iron Throne Cult Join Date: March 12, 2001 Location: Manila, Philippines Age: 40 Posts: 4,864	This is… a farewell message. I don’t know why, but it seems that I myself feel like leaving this board. For some reason, I think I have to go on and do something different. I love it here, I want to be here, but I cant keep up. Not that im saying that you guys spam a lot or something, its juts If I had more time, I would be like a moderator. Hehe how funny. Time… for… this and that… I just had a new philosophy while taking a shower, and that is, there is time for everything… as long as you keep that in mind. Now to me it seems so pathetic a reason on we leave this board because we have no time, etc. its not that. I think the sole reason is that this board is not that important to the other things you can put more time on. I mean come on, lets say your son was in the hospital. Which would you pick. Its obvious right? Anyway, the event in the shower hit me- I am once again overwhelmed by the painful reality of this world. Things don’t go our way all the time, which makes it fun. But, I hate the fact that everything is going your way except for the one you really really like. I always hurt at this… for the one thing I would do everything for… and I cant get it. Maybe this prom? But I just bet to myself that it would be a nightmare. For her that is… ill be there enjoying the hell out of it, but the problem is forgetting her. I get more comfy when I just drift around the girl, being cool and funny in front of her, but when it goes to direct contact, bah, useless. Don’t worry, ill still keep you updated with the prom itself and post-prom. I watch anime, not all of them, movies, duh, and some other series tv thing. The ones that hit me are animes and movies with romances. Well, I think I understand as im writing… this is my weak point. I want to be someone highly respected, loved and cared for, and those romantic happenings that I long for: and to think I don’t read any romantic stories, just by accidentally watching, I feel like im so stupid. Hehe there was this one anime, on axn, the title, boys be. The girl said in the end, the childood friend of the main character, “I’ll be waiting” with all the happenings in the story, I felt so happy. As if I was the one being referred to. Hehe funny, then it struck me again. Good for the guy. Now I think the ending is they are going to kiss and make up. how romantic and loyal, and how exremely lucky the guy is. He just doesn’t see it, but damn hes so lucky. Some other animes make me feel like a hero and makes me want to create a character of my own… the hero of the story… Maybe it is because I study in a school that is all boys? If that’s the case, maybe my suicidal attempts will be delayed in college. Believe me, I suddenly lost the fear of cutting myself. And a little more, I might not even be scared of dying. In my case of death, it is easily seen that society is the problem, not me. That is because if they showed their care and support, it would never even cross my mind. Think about it… I may be a weak person, for I cannot contain my emotions or put them into one place. I mean, if I were strong, I would not even be whining right? I have a powerful mind, but not a powerful barrier for me to supress the feeling of what im thinking. For crying out loud, my chest is tight, cant breathe, over what? Some cartoon or like in FF7, Aeris’ death. It made soooo freaking sad… hey, are they real, not. Some couple fight over this, in movies, id be super pissed. They come back together, wow. And then I think, and I apply it to myself. Sadly, bad result. Believing into something, believing so hard it would come true… in this world, someone who has more wits and aggression wins. Faith is not so good this time. In some cases, it wont apply, but those chances are very small, and I consider it happening to me is 1:10000000. What if I transferred into a different country? Will that help? A few more years, I’ll take up psychology and go to the U.S. Ladyzekke, im looking fer ya! I am so young, and I feel as if I already breezed through life, and my friend says, “hey, were only 16, we still have A LOT to go through.” Can I handle this? Im frail inside, I know it. This world maybe is not for me. If I were born earlier, id be great, since I live in honor, chivalry and tradition. People now live for sex and money. I wonder how men think of women as playthings- as I think of them as goddesses than roam the earth, to be loved and respected. And still, they got all of them… wow. My thoughts are funny, and they go round and round. The fact that the phrase, “ill be waiting” hurts like hell to me, it may not to all of you. No matter what I do, I get nothing… or maybe if did something? “her”. This mystery girl is named Joelle. Like as mentioned in the old forum. What if asked her out, surprised her by going to her house? I believe in words to much… I thought constant communication would be nice… but no. well, its that hard if it aint mutual. Tough luck for me eh? Now, I am struck by the mere fact that it is in general. Not specific. My love will not be answered back… in general… or, is my being negative doing all of those hallucinations? If I were to reverse the polarity, would it end like I wanted it to be? But as I said, it has to be mutual, that’s why… that’s why… there are more, but they all end up the same. Maybe another reason is I don’t want to cause you guys any more burden than you already have… you have your own lives remember? This board is for fun, not tragedy. I see it now… we go all here to shoo our problems away… but to me, my brainpower is all to powerful to counter anything you throw to me… which makes it worse. So, whether I seek help. I counter it… meaning thanks for you help bozo. Hehe would guys prefer id be stupid or this problematic? JJ, thanks for your help on my depression thread. It made me feel… good. Hehe. Wofgir, ill try that howling in the woods when I find one here. Memnoch, I remember you as lord kymil… whered you get that? I thought you were just a 13 year-old kid back then… tobbin, hehe I end up eating my words eh? Moiraine, thanks for the cds, you know how I feel about them. Gabriel, you challenge me, to make more poems… Armisael, you know what? I always tried to get your respect, and your farewell on the old thread made me feel good, especially coz its coming from you. Melusine, im sorry if I could not send b-day cards… I have my list, but you could drop me off your list. Yorick, “Don’t walk away” Cloudy for keeping the board aloft… I just wanted to use that word.. teehee… ladyzekke, beloved sister, thanks for your company and keep rocking for me… and to all those I forgot, youre not important enough. J/k!!!! I am not gonna say ill never forget you all, its pathetic, that’s never true, or at least half-true. Anyway, id just say youll always be a part of me, the humor, the way of thinking, speaking, get it… the heart doesn’t remember by name, but by actions… youll always be a part of me… I may forget, but the heart always remembers… ill be checking once in a while… I don’t want you guys fighting. Ironic, I thought id be the last one leaving the board… give me a reason on why I should stay… when it clicks, maybe, if you want me that bad by the way… Have a good life ahead of ye, and I hope ill always be a part of YOU Ryan ------------------ I...AM...BAHAMUT...AND IT IS YOU PEOPLE...I FEAR