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> How to treat the Dutch (As sent to me by a Hollander.)
>
> Is a small study on how to deal with the Dutch and how to avoid becoming
> one.
> It contains tips, hints, a complete walkthrough and a few cheats.
>
> 1. Never use the word "Dutch" in front of a Hollander. It reminds him too
> much of the word "Deutsch" which is a word for Germans and other things he
> doesn't like. A Dutchman is a Hollander or a Nederlander.
>
> 2. Never ever try to speak Hollands even if you have lived in Holland for
> more than five years. Not only will it give you a splitting headache but
> also Hollanders won't understand a single word of what you are trying
> to say. Foreigners are expected to speak English or gibberish. Speaking
> gibberish they are easy prey for pickpockets since they cant make a report
> to the police.
>
> 3. Also never try to eat "drop". Drop is a kind of licorice that only
> Hollanders can eat. It can be recognized by its colour: black.
> The taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and earwax. Hollanders
> absolutely love it and eat kilos of the revolting stuff.
> There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners who
> are tricked into believing it is edible.
> >
> 4. Do not buy wooden shoes. They will look absolutely silly on you. Which
> is of course the main reason for selling them to you in the first place. A
> Hollander himself wouldn't like to be found dead in them. (As a matter of
> fact, they wouldn't like to be found dead at all)
> >
> >5. Do not make holes in dikes. Behavior like that is not only frowned
> upon but in certain cases can get you stoned to death with wooden shoes by
> an angry mob. You may feel free however to stick a finger in any dike you
> like. It'll get you a few good laughs from the natives.
>
> 6. A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in the back of
> your mind it is easy to deal with most of them.
> If ever you get into an argument with a Hollander, tell him that he is
> absolutely right and that you see the error of your ways.
> This will drive him absolutely crazy: Since you are a foreigner you can't
> be right. You agree with him. Therefore he also cannot be right.
> Impossible! He is a Hollander. But.. why.. he.. At this point you may want
> to stand back and watch him try to strangle himself with a tulip.
>
> 7. Windmills are unavoidable.
>
> 8. It is not necessary to show an interest in tulips, windmills, wooden
> shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows that you came for the softdrugs or
> the Amsterdam red light district, the Walletjes. Both are available in a
> large quantity and are easy to find.
> ask any Hollander age six or older or any French tourist (see items 19 &
> 20)
>
> 9. Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost. Soccer in Holland is merely an
> excuse used for bashing in the brains of just about everyone else,
> including yours, after the game is won. .Or lost....Or if it is a draw. It
> is also very unwise to stand near a policeman during these festivities.
> (see item 10) Also, whenever there's a Hollander around: "Don't mention
> the '74 final!".
> You'll end up in an ongoing discussion about how well the Orange team
> played and how marvellous it is that a small country like Holland has such
> a good team and blah-de-blah-de-blah.
>
> 10. Policemen in Holland may be used for throwing things at. If you feel
> like hitting someone or something, use a policeman. No
> Hollander will pay any attention if you decide to hit, maim, or kick a
> policeman in the groin. Policemen represent authority and no Hollander
> recognizes any authority higher than himself. You may also note that a lot
> of Hollandse policemen are in fact
> foreigners tricked into taking the job.
>
(Long isn't it)
> 11. Hollanders do not like to spend money, they'd sooner cut off their own
> ears. A Hollander will become a friend for life if you give him something
> for free. (Note: Social diseases are an exception) This might explain the
> success of MacDonald's in Holland.
> The story that copper wire is an invention of two Hollanders fighting over
> a found cent is absolutely true.
>
> 12. Holland is small. There is a rumour that Holland is put inside during
> rainstorms. Not true, but that is mainly because it rains about 365 days
> each year. This might also explain those wooden shoes: They float. Yes,
> Holland is small and Hollanders are proud of it. They will grab every
> opportunity to point out to you that the nation has accomplished great
> things, despite of it being so small. A suitable answer to this swank is
> the Hollander's imperialistic past. Which brings us -rather nicely- to
> item 13.
>
> 13. If you wish to insult a Hollander -and sooner or later you will-
> simply tell him you don't think he is a pacifist. Now immediately start
> running for your life. He'll want to prove to you that he is a peace
> loving person and he won't stop proving this until your intestines are
> scattered all over the floor. However, mentioning a supposedly
> imperialistic past considering
> Surinam and/or Indonesia, will instantly reduce a Hollander to a
> pathetic, sniffing and crying child, begging for forgiveness.
>
> 14. The Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. They are not. They simply
> make too much money from the sale of soft- and
> hard-drugs, Malaysian women and pornography to foreigners to let an
> opportunity for making a good profit go by.
>
> 15. The main form of public transportation in Holland is bikes. Feel free
> to take any bike of which you are able to pick the lock.
> Don't expect your own bike however to be where you left it three minutes
> earlier. The hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year. Have fun.
>
> 16. At nearly every meal in Holland you will find a small vicious looking
> blade with a slit in it. It is called a "kaasschaaf" and is used for
> taking very thin (the see-through kind) slices of the cheese. Yes, it is
> indeed an invention made by a Nederlander.
> Never cut cheese with a knife, you'll make an utter fool of yourself.
> Another peculiar dinner tool is the "flessenlikker", which
> literally means "bottle-licker", but which is best translated by
> "yoghurt-scraper". Note that this tool is not meant to get rid of an itchy
> back or for your nightly escapades. It's designed to clean out bottles of
> yoghurt or "vla" which is a sort of custard.
> The Nederlanders wants to use absolutely every millilitre of the yoghurt
> or 'vla' he bought. He paid for all of it and he'll jolly well eat all of
> it.
>
> 17. At the time of this writing, the Hollandse economy is doing quite
> well. The Hollanders say that this is the result of extensive negotiating
> between parties like the unions, the employers and the government. They
> even have a name for this: The polder model. Foreigners are made to
> believe that this polder model is the key to a healthy economy and if
> others should follow this polder model, their economy's will also improve
> dramatically. This is utter nonsense. Hollanders just love to talk and
> talk and talk. Calling al this talking negotiations only gives them a
> sense of doing something useful. Talk is not cheap in Holland.
>
> 18. Hollanders like to drown fried potato's in litres of mayonnaise and
> put it in small paper bags. This is called "een patatje met". One of these
> bags can sustain life over an indefinite period. Not everyone agrees if it
> is the sort of life worth living.
> Some foreigners however are reported to have actually liked eating it.
>
> 19. Hollanders have a special and unique service for -mainly- French
> tourists. As soon as they cross the border between Belgium and Holland,
> they are welcomed enthusiastically by young men in fast cars. These young
> people wish to point out to the French tourist where the more interesting
> touristic places in Holland can be found. Strangely enough they always
> seem to end up in a coffee shop (see item 20). Funny people those French.
>
(Your about halfway now.)
> 20. There is a fast and guaranteed way of making a complete fool of
> yourself in Holland: Enter a coffee shop and ask for a cappuccino. Coffee
> shops do not -remember this- do not sell coffee. You can however get a
> good number of other stimulating drugs there. For some unknown reason
> coffee shops are extremely popular with French tourists.
>
> 21. A Fries is a semi-detached sort of Nederlander, living in the north
> of the country in a province all for himself.
> >He is fond of frozen water, Beerenburg (which is a form of euthanasia
> with alcohol) and continuously pointing out to non-Fries Hollanders that
> they are -indeed- not Fries. The rest of the Hollanders look upon this
> behaviour with the good natured ambivalent feelings that parents have for
> an obstinate child.
>
> 22. On the matter of what books to buy before you come to Holland, I can
> recommend the following: The complete works of
> William Shakespeare or a leather-bound volume of the Encyclopaedia
> Britannica (the 1913 copy: Fr to He). In my experience these two books
> have just about the right weight for clubbing a pushy drug dealer or pimp
> on the head without leaving any
> marks. After hitting you might want to drop the book you were carrying at
> that moment for a more speedy retreat. Bring plenty of books.
>
> 23. Do not bother to hire a car. Not only can you steal more bikes than
> you will need but car-traffic in Holland is not something you will enjoy.
> In the rest of the world traffic jams are measured in miles or kilometres,
> Nederlandse traffic jams are measured in weeks. As a matter of fact, the
> more persistent traffic-jams are well worth a touristic visit. The sight
> of starving people in an expensive Mercedes can be quite uplifting if you
> are of a philosophic nature. You may want to bring some pieces of bread
> with you to throw through open car windows. The resulting fights can often
> be worth watching.
>
> 24. Contrary to popular belief, you may not bring your mother-in-law to
> Holland for do-it-yourself euthanasia. Tourists are warned not to take
> these matters into their own hands.
>
> 25. Whether you are catholic, Muslim or worshipper of Urrrgl, god of all
> honest politicians, in Holland you are likely to run into a church, temple
> or oak-tree-and-virgin of your liking. Hollanders are supposed to be very
> tolerant of other believes, ways
> of life and religious convictions. They are not. The only reason for there
> being so many different churches, sects and cults is the fact that
> Hollanders disagree on just about
> > anything. A Hollander is always right (see item 6) and anyone who thinks
> different than him can jolly well bugger off and start his own church.
>
> 26. Holland is a kingdom. It has no king but a queen and her husband is no
> king but a prince. The queen doesn't rule the country -well, not much
> anyway- but she is very good at opening bridges, roads and visiting other
> countries. She is also very decorative at state banquets. Her son, the
> crown prince, will be king as soon as she stops queening. The queens
> husband is not a king but a prince but the crown princes wife will be a
> queen as soon as he is a king. On April the 30th its Queen's Day, which is
> not the birthday of the queen, but the birthday of princess Juliana the
> queen's mother (who used to be the queen). It is no wonder that more and
> more Nederlanders wish to make Holland a republic. Queen's Day, by the
> way, has nothing to do with royal festivities.
> It's just a Hollander's excuse to drink large quantities of alcohol. On
> Queen's Day Hollanders also sell garbage in the streets.
>
> 27. It might be wise to learn how to swim if you visit Holland. No, the
> dikes will hold, that is not the problem. The huge amount of ditches,
> moats, canals, rivers and brooks can however lead to mistakes. The shiny
> nice new asphalt road that you wish to drive your car on during a
> rainstorm, may in fact not be a road at all.
>
> 28. The Hollandse art. Most Nederlandse painters get to be famous only
> after they have died. That is a very sensible arrangement from the publics
> point of view. Not only do you get large quantities of paintings -a man
> has got to eat, right?- but it also makes a nice investment for
> art-lovers. The painters themselves do not share this view at all but are
> unable to do anything about it. In at least one case the frustration has
> led to self-mutilation involving an ear.
>
> 29. If one of your Hollandse friends invites you for a birthday party,
> prepare yourself for a unique experience. Unique, because it can only be
> compared to taking place on a wooden chair which has a sharp nail driven
> through the underside of the
> seat, and not being able to move for a month. More than one foreigner has
> been driven to the brink of insanity in just one evening. A Hollandse
> birthday party consists of sitting in a chair, talking to other Hollanders
> about your work, your car, foreigners and politics. You are expected to
> leave at 11 pm and you'll gladly do so.
>
(Nearly finished)
> 30. Do not get sick in Nederland. Over the last ten years, the famous
> Hollandse healthcare has been privatised. These days some operations, like
> open heart surgery, have a waiting list of more than six months. The
> doctors don't think that is a problem, "More than half of our patients for
> open heart surgery never even show up anyway" they say. Some Nederlandse
> patients who have become desperate, move to a country like Mozambique,
> Iraq or Pakistan where healthcare is infinitely better.
>
> 31. Holland has more cities than only Amsterdam. Like ..erm. ..Well, it
> has!!
>
> 32. Hollandse beer has made quite a reputation for itself over the years.
> Some people even drink it. Brewing is indeed one of the things Hollanders
> traditionaly do very well. Holland never used to be a country with
> anything more interesting to do than to drink oneself blind in new and
> interesting ways or make paintings. This made the beer industry very
> popular. Experts claim that once you have drank Hollandse beer like
> Heineken, Grolsch or Amstel, all other beers taste like the tapwater in a
> Rotterdam hotel.
>
> 33. Hollandse tapwater is safe to drink. This is quite remarkable
> considering that most drinking water comes from poluted rivers like the
> Rhine. Plans to improve the quality of the riverwater, so that fish like
> salmon will return to Hollandse rivers to spawn, can count on strong
> resistance from the Nederlanders. They don't like the idea of animals
> having sex in their drinking water.
>
> 34. There are about as many pigs in Holland as there are people. Quite
> amazing realy because there are 16.000.000 Hollanders and the pigs are the
> animal kind of pigs. Now, take 1 pig. Go on, take it. Now feed it. Wait.
> Wait some more. Now watch and you'll see two things happening. The pig
> gets a little fatter, which is good. There's quite a bit of waste coming
> out of the pig, which is bad. It smells. It smells bloody awful. Now
> multiply that smell with 16.000.000 Hollanders just don't seem to mind.
> They smell something different, they smell money. Which shows that not
> only does "pecunia non olet" (money doesn't
> smell) but it can can sweeten a great big stench as well. Oh and...
> you'll get used to that smell after only a few weeks.
>
> 35. Hollandse political debates are about as dull as a three-day lecture
> on the great Lituanian athletes from 1762 to 1809.
> No cries of "Hear hear!!", no fistfights in front of a camera, not even
> politicians calling each other incompetents. (And heaven knows the
> Hollandse politicians have their share of incompetents.) Telling your
> opponent that you question his policy is about as bad as it gets. As a
> result the interest in elections is about zero. Last election only two
> voters showed up. The first one had lost his way to the toilet and the
> other was an illigal immigrant who thought he had come to right place for
> a passport.
(Glad i didn't have to type it.)
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