After having recovered from yesterdays 'tragedies' I thought I might give this another go, since some of you seemed to like it!
So here goes:
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
---
A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil. The devil explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years, so he is to select his first punishment.
In the first room, he sees a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy is not keen on this, so he asks to see the next room.
The next room has a middle-aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room.
It has a really old man chained to the wall getting a bl*w job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.
The devil walks into the room, taps the blonde on the shoulder, and says, "Okay, stop now, you've been relieved."
more later on...
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