Hellfire,
Yeah man, ditto, hang in there.
I found a book called Divorce: the unforgivable sin? by Ken Crispin to be very helpful. If I'd read it earlier things may have been different... but then again maybe not. Who knows.
I went through many different emotional stages in the months preceding and following the final seperation. From anger and extreme rage, desolate and inconsolable depression, to relief and a calm peace. I was angry at God, angry at her, felt abandoned (by God) and confused, wondered how I would survive. Felt like I was unable to make any sort of decision.
For eight years I'd put another individuals thoughts, cares and feelings first and felt incapable of even deciding what to have for dinner, as everything concerning life matters had involved a joint decision.
I would love to disclose more of my situation but it is such an intensely vulnerable and painful experience to do so.
The other distressing thing was everyone around my wife and I thought we were the perfect couple. Religious, affectionate in public, both 'people persons'. Very much in love. But like the complexities of an individual, a relationship is an extremely complicated matter that should be so simple.
Thus it made a lot of people around us very sad, very upset when they found out. I then found out one of my closest friends whom I write a lot of music with, went through a marital breakdown himself. It's all around us! This terrible terrible occurence.
There is so much about life I don't understand.
Now get this, and this is hanging my soul out.
I still love her. We've been seperated for over a year, we cannot live together - we drive each other crazy, but I still feel incredible emotion for the woman who was first in my life for so long.
Life will go on. But there is much damage to be healed in the process.
I was happy today. I was cold, wet, standing alone in another country looking at leafless trees astride moorlike grassy, muddy hills with a few birds scattered around and I was so happy. I prayed thanks for the life I have and for what I've seen and all I am and the love my God has shown me, and I was happy.
Hugh
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