[Yorick]

Check out this email I received a while back. You might want to print it out as it's pretty long.
__________________________________________________ ______________________
This gem is supposedly by Douglas Adams (of hitchhikers Guide (as if you
> didn't know)).
>
> The Confusing Country
>
> Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the
> bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many
> unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite
> taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep
> into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident
> of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great
> Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more
> frightening theory, but they can't spell either.
>
> The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the
> place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as
> either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three.
> Typically, it is unique in this.
>
> The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be
> divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that
> of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them.
> Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous
> arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few
> snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the
> spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check
> inside boots (before putting them on) under toilet seats (before sitting
> down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.
>
> Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are
> more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the
> common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life
> digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes
> out to eat worms and grubs.
>
> The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible.
> Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass
> Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads.
>
> Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels
> on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by
> snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat
> becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined,
> but not adequately described.
>
> The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour.
> If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will
> feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it
> will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow
> with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will
> be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear
> down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their
> crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is
> considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians
> don't talk about it much.
>
> At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative
> of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays
> eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and
> has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical'
> Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.
>
> The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a
> short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in
> boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them
> died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature,
> man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in,
> and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
>
> Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
> More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and
> stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn
> (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from
> the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot
> of them died.
>
> About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is
> interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves
> vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie,
> cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) -
> whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the
> middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
>
> Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended
> Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused
> by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a
> person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core
> of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking
> inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up
> the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift
> for making up stories. Be warned.
>
> There is also the matter of the beaches.
>
> Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world.
> Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with
> sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of
> the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its
> back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However,
> watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
>
> As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would
> expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly,
> cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless
> they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible
> problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering
> feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.
>
> Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is
> Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim
> that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the
> land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and
> "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing
> about this is they may be right.
>
> There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under
> any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are
> comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian
> shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians
> don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only
> correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert
> your own regional swear word here} country in the world!".
>
> It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will
> 'adopt' you, and on your first night, take you to a pub where Australian
> Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of
> initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing
> hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your
> hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal
> difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the
> pub.", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be
> sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you
> encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong
> the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
>
> Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use
> of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
>
> Typical Australian sayings
>
> "G'Day!"
>
> "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
>
> "She'll be right."
>
> "And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and
> rugged battlements on high, where the air is crystal clear, and the white
> stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where,
> around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the
> rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word
> today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."
>
> Tips to Surviving Australia
>
> Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean
> it.
>
> The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it
> is.
>
> Always carry a stick.
>
> Air-conditioning.
>
> Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist
> and good in a fistfight.
>
> Thick socks.
>
> Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
> people nearby.
>
> If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at
> all times, or you will die.
>
> Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always
> a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
>
> See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful
> thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals,
> trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"
> *