Too sudden. Your opening sentance suggests you are painting a picture that tells us what we should see, but it moves too fast and you dont give any real details.
Reading this reminds me of rolepaying. The bit you wrote with just a little changing could be a word for word description an DM might give of a scene while he is improving for a party that has suprised him by doing something rash.
Be more descriptive. Give the lightning color. When it hits the cottage tell something about the building. Was there a thatched roof or something else.
What you wrote there could easily take up 3 or 4 pages if properly flushed out. Then it would give a sense to the rader of where they are.
One minor content point. Is this a small poor village or a bustling one? Small poor villages rarely have Clerics and Mages in residence.
Also need to look at the writing from a non-gamer point of view. Unless this book went to TSR youd have a problem. Only poeple who read TSR novels would be able to follow some of your terminology. Anyone else would be a bit confused and not get it.
just my two cents.
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