Greetings all. As some of ye may know I've been a wee bit absent of late. I've been working me tail off to bring ye, me mates and adventuing buds, some quality items. These items have been found in some of the finest shops and houses up and down the Sword Coast and all come with an unconditional money-back guarantee, which is to say if ye ask for yer money back it's guaranteed that I'll laugh in yer face unconditionally.
Any similarity to items that ye may have once held in yer possession is strictly coincidental. Now, on with the listing.
1. +5 Long Sword of Ex-Paladins - this particular number was once owned by certain Paladin that shall remain nameless (Jerome, that's you) but has since fallen off the straight and narrow. Useful for Kobold slaying, Dragon pokin', apple peelin' and as a mighty fine doorstop. 35,000 GP
2. +3 Book of Evil Mage recipes - Cheezy Halfling Pastry Puffs, Cleric Soup and Fried Familiar Fritatta, they're all here and all tasty. Why place yourself in the situation of having to torture and kill yer whole dinner party just 'cause a guest complained about the food? Worry no more! 15,000 GP
3. +13 Club of Ultimate Evil Bashing - while this may just look like an ordinary stick that's been painted with gold paint it's actually one of the most powerful weapons in all of Faerun. Really it is, I wouldn't trick ye. In fact, after buying it perhaps ye should head to Windspear and try it out on the big Red Dragon. What? No those aren't other gold sticks in that bag. They're...uh...special kindling. Yes, that's it. 125,000 GP
4. +3 Kindling of Mage fire - recently acquired these er...special logs...uh...make..um good fires. Yes, good fires. Despite their striking similarities to the +13 Club of Something-or-Other they aren't that at all. 5000 GP each
5. +4 Chair of Childbirthing - only used once. And no, that stain won't come out. 10,000 GP
6. +3 Tankard of Continual Filling - the plus side is that this tankard is never empty. The minus is that it's always filled with Milwaukee's Best. 1 GP
7. +5 Ring of Imprisonment - Ladies, here's yer chance to get that man of yer dreams. Once this ring is slipped upon yer love's finger at a ceremony presided by a priest or justice yer man is effectively imprisoned for all of eternity. Keep tabs on him, make him spend quality time with ye, have him mow the lawn, whatever. Once this seemingly innocent gold band is on his hand he's yer's forever. 25,000 GP and 50+ years
Well that's it, no decent offer is refused. Come one come all, make sure to stop buy on Friday for our Buy One Sword of Smiting, Get Another for Whatever You Paid for the First One Sale.
Drink up.
-Tipsy
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