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Dragonlance: Chronicles
By Margaret Weis & Tracy Hickman
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard
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Tanis
I am a half-elf, tortured by my half-elven, half-human nature.
Flint
I am a dwarf. I am dour and grumpy but secretly loving and tender.
Sturm
I am a knight. I exist so I may die with honor and make everyone sad.
Caramon
I am a doofus warrior. I exist solely to give Raistlin someone to insult.
Raistlin
I am an ultra-smart wizard, but I'm secretly evil. Har har har. Caramon, you're a doofus.
Tasslehoff
I am a Kender. I'm here for comic relief.
Tanis
We are together again after five years of separation. Let's go do all the important stuff in the war that's about to happen, rise to amazingly high levels in our AD&D® character classes, and become heroes.
(They do, and the reader hears DICE rolling in the background.)
THE END
Dragonlance: Legends
Caramon
Raistlin doesn't need me anymore. I'm a drunken slob now.
Raistlin
I'm going to do some time travelling and become a god.
(He does.)
Caramon
Now that Raistlin is a god, everything is dead, including me. I will time travel and fix that.
(He does.)
Caramon
Raistlin, abandon your evil ways and come home with me.
Raistlin
I can't. I'm evil to the core.
Caramon
Ok, I accept that. Just come home with me, then.
Raistlin
I can't. I'm dead.
Caramon
Ok, I accept that.
Margaret Weis & Tracy Hickman
We will now turn the series over to a bunch of lesser writers who will churn out book after book of mindless drek.
(They DO, and it SUCKS.)
THE END
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