A couple of points. Note I'm coming from never having read Jane Eyre so it's really the same perspective as your audience
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Obviously you've encountered the problem of trying to condense what I imagine is a substantial novel into a few hundred words - not easy at all, and I think you've made a good first go at it. It does need some changes though. At the moment it's all a bit disconnected - 'this happened then this happened then this happened' with not a lot of connectivity between the events. I'm not sure how faithful you have to be to the original work - whether you have to cover all the important parts, obviously you've cut out a lot of events, but if you are going to retain all the growing up and becoming a teacher parts, you need to make them relevant to the overall plot. The Helen event for instance has a lot of potential for giving Jane some sort of learning experience that she might be able to call on when Rochester does her wrong, but as it is it's just a random event in her early life that doesn't seem to have anything to do with her later experiences. Perhaps she could muse after Rochester leaves that she managed to get through that and she'll be happy again or something?
Which is relevant to my next point - I know in the last thread you made discussing this project that having a moral to the story is very important, for any book but especially a children's book. I'm having trouble picking out a clear moral or purpose to the story. I think it might be something like don't give up on people or something (with Rochester and Helen - though Helen never came back, not sure about that), but whatever it is, it's not clear at all. Remember that while you have the perspective of knowing the story and what it was about, so your condensement makes sense to you, a person who doesn't know it has only this to rely on - it must be self-contained. I think that if you are going to retain the early life bits then they have to be relevant to the moral as well - it all has to tie together somehow.
Also, I think making the characters fantasy creatures is cute, and could be quite effective, and is so far as you've chosen good exemplars for the personalities of the characters, at the moment it sort of seems like making them fantastic just for the sake of it, you know? Why are they dragons and fairies and so on? I don't mean why are the Reeds dragons - obviously because they're awful, but why are they not just people? It may be as simple as fleshing out the setting a little bit more - you have the land far far away bit, perhaps just a little more background on where this is all occuring and why they're not humans.
Finally, and importantly, every good story needs a villain! Now you have two good ones, Aunt Reed and Rochester's wife, but both are really under-utilised. Not knowing the story I assumed Aunt Reed would be a pivotal character, but she fizzles out early, and Rochester's wife is never even seen. I think you should really make her a more important character, perhaps so that her putting the spell on Rochester is told to the audience such that Jane doesn't know - always a popular technique to have the audience 'in on' something that the main character doesn't know about, so you can have the audience engaged in the story, sympathetic towards both Jane and Rochester and hoping that she'll find out somehow. As it is Rochester seems like a real cad and for me at least, the 'oh I had a spell on me' didn't really make me like him more at the end. Rochester coming back to her was totally out of the blue as well - if we know that it was really a spell from the start then we'll be hoping that at some point he'll be saved and come back, instead of just assuming he's no longer a part of the story anymore.
Anyway I hope that's all useful, and doesn't seem like I'm criticising you too much. I think it's a great base to work from, but some tweaking will make it much better [img]smile.gif[/img]