[Melusine]

Don't have the time or inclination to close-read this, but one thing that struck me: look at your dialogue. Every single line is introduced or followed by a "he said worriedly", "she mumbled in frustration", "he asked as he blah blah....". Dead giveaway in amateur writing. Try leaving such pointers (he asked, she said, he proclaimed) out sometimes, it sounds less contrived. And instead of saying "she mumbled in frustration as she blah blah blah" try varying your sentences more. "blah blah", she mumbled. The frustration was clearly audible in her voice. Etc. Varied sentence length makes a piece much easier to read.
It also helps if you vary the number of subordinate clauses in a sentence. Often, you have too many, where a separate short sentence would look better.
Oh and when you do use that construction, don't use capital letters like you do sometimes (“Vih’hir!” Mumbled Viconia in frustration...) but do it like "Vih'hir," mumbled Viconia.... etc.

Hope you weren't daunted by that - constructive criticism like you asked for. Other than that, have fun writing! [img]smile.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]