Quote:
Originally posted by Balintherlas:
Before he knows what is happening, the blade is driven up to the hilt in Aerie’s chest. Shock more than pain is on her face as her lifeblood covers Trethlere’s hands.
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Yay, Aerie snuff!
For constructive commentary: I echo Pirengle's suggestions. When I saw how crowded the paragraphs were, I scrolled down to look at the
replies to your post before reading the story. Then Pirengle mention the Aerie's death in her nicely formatted post, and I was encouraged to scroll up to read the story. Good formatting makes a big difference.
I'd recommend one speaker per paragraph. Paragraphs become difficult to follow with multiple speakers.
You can also eliminate some passive voice. Quick example:
Her voice is stopped short = "Her voice stops short."
Quote:
Originally posted by Pirengle:
I want more of a reason for Trethelere to kill Aerie, or at least more of an indication that he wants to spare her his murderous wrath. (And if he wants to spare her his murderous wrath, why does he kill her? )
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I thought the death scene was ambiguous. Was it murder or manslaughter? It's my impression Trethelere drew Carsomyr and brandished it about. Aerie approached him from behind to embrace him, but at the same moment he spun around with Carsomyr perpendicular to his body, unintentionally impaling Aerie.
If he intended to kill Aerie, however, I'd like to know why so I can enjoy his Aerie-cidal thoughts along with him.
Oh, and Imoen's in the party, too! I hope the fates smile upon her as kindly as they did Aerie.
-Lem