[Pirengle]

Post something *cough* original! *cough* Quit recycling! [img]tongue.gif[/img]

(from "Radiant Heart and the Holy Grail")

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scene 3 - on a grassy meadow, the site of some forgotten war
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(The action cuts back to Mazzy and Valygar as they traverse a wide open meadow. Valygar still follows Mazzy, banging his coconuts together.)

VALYGAR: Why is it always about my coconuts?

(The silly actors are not supposed to be reading the scene descriptions. Anyway, Valygar still ba--still makes hoofbeat sounds and Mazzy still rides a "horse.")

(Mazzy spots a figure in the middle ground, slows, "dismounts", and approaches.)

MAZZY: Old woman!
COMPTON: Man!
MAZZY: Terribly sorry. That castle there, in the distance, what knight lives there?
COMPTON: I'm only twenty-seven.
MAZZY: What?
COMPTON: I'm twenty-seven years old. You call me an old man, but seeing as you are a halfling, you could very well be older than I am!
MAZZY: What do I call you then? 'Man'?
COMPTON: Well, you could say 'Compton'.
MAZZY: I knew not that your name was Compton.
COMPTON: (high sarcasm) That's okay. Nobody ever remembers my name. I tell them my name and it's all about "Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey."
MAZZY: (embarrassed) I apologize, but from the
back you looked like--
COMPTON: --and everyone expects me to look like Kelsey and everyone expects me to talk like Kelsey and every time that blasted knight is mentioned people expect me to have an opinion about it exactly like Kelsey and--
MAZZY: Which knight?
COMPTON: Oh, the knight, the one that originally came with the software, the only romance for the ladies, and here I get this bright idea one day, maybe offer up another hunk of meat to satiate the ladies, and what do I get? "Make Kelsey talk dirty." "Make Kelsey sing a song." "Make Kelsey flirt in the Underdark." Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey, all bloody day and all bloody night long too! Sooner or later the world will realize that--
GHREYFAIN: (popping up from the field behind Compton) Dude! Ever thought about giving Kelsey a foot fetish? (spots Mazzy) Oh--hi there. Is there something I can do for you?
MAZZY: How do you do, good sir. I am Mazzy Fentan, a valiant servant of justice and righteousness. Who's castle is that?
GHREYFAIN: Servant of who?
MAZZY: Justice and righteousness.
GHREYFAIN: I don't remember modding that. (pokes Compton) You remember modding that?
MAZZY: What is this 'modding' of which you speak?
GHREYFAIN: I know I didn't write any "justice and righteousness" nonsense into the code.
COMPTON: Couldn't have been me. My life has been nothing but Kelsey, day in, day out, week after week, month after month, year after year--
GHREYFAIN: Oh there you go, bringing Kelsey into it again.
COMPTON: If only people realized that--
MAZZY: (stepping between the two) Calm yourselves, gentlemen. Please, who lives in that castle?
GHREYFAIN: No one.
MAZZY: No one?
GHREYFAIN: We haven't scripted it yet.
MAZZY: What?
COMPTON: See, we only had time to create the castle area and script it into the game. We haven't had time to fill it yet.
MAZZY: (totally lost) Yes.
COMPTON: When we get around to it, we'll code some items and people and maybe a shopkeeper inside, and make some custom items so parties will actually visit the castle.
MAZZY: (impatient) Yes, I see.
COMPTON: And after that we'll loop in some dialogue and maybe a background soundtrack, and then--
MAZZY: Hush!
COMPTON: --after that we'll send the whole kit and caboodle off to the beta testers--
MAZZY: Quiet! I order you to be quiet!
GHREYFAIN: You, ordering us? (to Compton) Who does she think she is, anyway?
MAZZY: I am a member of the Noble Order of the Most Radiant Heart!
GHREYFAIN: (to Compton) Is this the Anomen you keep whining about?
COMPTON: (sourly) No, and nobody can romance halflings anyway. It's in the code.
GHREYFAIN: (to Mazzy) I can't remember--did we write you in as a knight?
MAZZY: No. The Trueswords [insert heavenly chorus singing] in traditions and rituals ancient and mystic, held forth this sword of Arvoreen (holds up sword) and their coat of arms and proclaimed to the skies that I, Mazzy Fentan, was to be a Truesword in the service of Arvoreen. [chorus ends] That is why I am here.
COMPTON: Listen -- I'd never mod something so cheesy in my life. What is this, cowl-wearing prettyboys strutting around with sharp objects waiting for the right midget? Good storylines come from twists of fate and basic human interest, not some hackneyed cliche.
MAZZY: Be quiet!
COMPTON: Why, any pompous do-gooder could hand me a butterknife like that and I could call myself a Truesword or whatever except that I wouldn't because it's stupid.
MAZZY: Shut up!
COMPTON: I mean, if I went around saying I was a Knight of Whatever just because some weak-kneed wacko lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!

(A strange man appears out of nowhere and lobs a scimitar at Compton's head.)

HABIB: Ha! My name is Habib Achmed Khalid Allafif, and I cannot be captured! I will throw my mighty scimitar at your head rather than suffer the indignity of--UURK!

(A drow on horseback appears. The horse has 'Deus Ex Machina' printed on its rump. The drow slices Habib open with a sparkly sword.)

WEIMER: I can't believe this guy won the 'Create-a-NPC' contest.
GHREYFEIN: Dude!
COMPTON: Nice job there. See you at the next committee meeting.
WEIMER: Right.

(Weimer and his horse disappear as suddenly as they appeared.)

COMPTON: Ah, that Weimer. Weimer did this, and Weimer did that, and Weimer did some damned other thing. Weimer smote the ground with his magical compiling skills, and there sprung Solaufein, fully mature and on his horse. Then Weimer, Solaufein, and the horse, went on to found the modding community all by there lonesomes! But nobody remembers us, do they? Oh, no, all they think about is Weimer and Solaufein and Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey--
MAZZY: Shut up! Will you shut up!

(Mazzy starts beating up on Compton. Well, Compton's kneecaps. Mazzy's short.)

COMPTON: Um, help? Help, help, I'm being attacked?
MAZZY: Shut up! (pounds away)
COMPTON: Please help me, there's some looney halfling beating on my knees!

(Mazzy gets wise to the situation. The resulting SPLAT causes even Valygar to wince in pain. Ghreyfein laughs, but his laughter is cut short when he too suffers the same fate. Valygar can't stop giggling and he too is next. Soon, all three males are doubled over, clutching sensitive areas, and whimpering. Satisfied, Mazzy climbs back on her horse, and departs.)

GHREYFEIN: (to Compton) Some looney beating on your knees, indeed.
COMPTON: Those fists...they look small but they're heavy as coconuts, let me tell you.
VALYGAR: Why won't people stop talking about my coconuts?!

(pause)

COMPTON: Um, did we mod that?