[Felix The Assassin]

MILD PG and Military warning!




The Army in need of restructuring, proposed a new plan to attract mid grade officers and senior enlisted for a early separation bonus. Under the proposed plan, the Army allowed the service member to be creative in their schematics. The standard was that the SM could have $1,000 for every inch that was measured on a cloth tape measure from one point to another of their body, but could only cross the body once. That all measuring had to be conducted by a medical officer, and would be validated at the installations hospital under direct supervision of the officiating officer.

The plan was approved by the Chief, and away for signature it went. The pilot of the program would be conducted in the greater Ft. Meade, VA area.

After several days, the Army was dismayed that only three applicants filled out the paper work. A young energetic Captain who was an engineer, a mid-life mid career Major, and an old crusty Sergeants Major. As with holding to tradition, the Army went ahead and started with the Major.

He was average build and height, and said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his big toe up his backside, and to the tip of his head. The officiating officer had the measurement conducted and awarded the Major $72,000 and a discharge.

The young CPT. was next, and being an engineer, and vertically challenged, said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his right pinky finger across his back and down to the tip of his left pinky toe. The officiating officer chuckled, snorting some absurdity about how engineers could make something from nothing, but agreed, The measurement was taken, and he was awarded $92,000 and a discharge.

Then the old crusty SGM came up. The officiating officer said, Sergeant Major you should know better than this. He replied "Sir, I'm tired, hungry, and miss my momma"! So the officiating officer gave the okay. When the measuring officer asked the SGM where he would like to be measured, he snorted his reply, from the tip of my manhood to the leading edge of my balls. The measuring officer laughed, and retold the measurement to the officiating officer, who asked the SGM if he wanted to rethink, or have help from the engineer CPT. Hell no, replied the SGM, just get on with it. So it was approved, and the measuring officer commenced, after about 3 inches the officer said, my god man, where are you balls? The SGM replied with a wry grin, "Ho Chi Minh Trail, Vietnam"!

The SGM was the last to receive the now defunct separation package, and the Army is once again revising a new separation plan.