[Yorick]

Originally Posted by Dave_the_quack Hi back, Yorick. Yes - my sexuality has grown as I have. Just like my bones. And yet I couldn't dictate how my bones were going to end up, just like my lack of control over where I'd end up with my sexual orientation.

Actually you can shape the growth of your bones.
-I knew a guy in Singapore with a flatten skull at the back because he slept on a tiled floor as a child.
-Chinese used to bind womens feet, distorting the bown growth.
-The long necked women of south east Asia stretched their necks unbelievable amounts through adding metal rings.
-People who spend their lives on horseback can become "bowlegged".
-What you eat: calcium etc can make bones stronger or weaker.
-Your posture and diet in life can prevent or bring on osteoporosis, and warp the bones in the back.

You have more control over the way your mental pathways progress than you realise. Those of us aware of such control seek to avoid being a "slave to desire", which can lead to drug addiction, entertainment addiction, alcoholism, co-dependency or other such misfortunes.

Self control - delaying gratification - is a key personality trait many of us fail to develop fully. I know I still seek to enhance this part of my life. Self control starts in the mind. We can obsess over things or put them out of our mind, no matter how painful this may be.

Of course some of us have greater aptitude for this than others, which chemical imbalances also play a part. It doesn't negate what I'm saying. What we choose to entertain in our minds can dictate the growth of particular desires.

I'm not bisexual, so I can't comment on the choices they may or may not make. I also think it's a completely different kettle of fish (apples and oranges, etc) as the person has the capability to 'swing' either way. In my opinion it doesn't matter who they choose in the end as their partner, as long as they end up happy. Who knows - perhaps your wife may be bisexual. Perhaps my future partner will be. I certainly won't be limiting myself from the pool of people who fall into this category, at any rate. Nor will I judge them. Seeing as neither of us are an expert in this area, perhaps we should leave this be? I'm certainly no expert so I won't be commenting further on this point.

I've dated three bisexual women, one of whom, after I knew her became a lesbian for 10 years, and was for all intents and purposes "gay" before switching back. The others were briefly lesbian before I dated them, and have since been heterosexual.

I think my experiences are valid and I have every right to comment on my observations of my personal experiences.

I also personally know a number of gay man who were once straight, and straight men who are now no longer gay.

The reality is, huge amounts of the gay population have been straight, or will be straight, indicating that at least for those people, choice plays a factor in determining orientation.

I can see your point, but on the main I disagree, Yorick. At a high level, you are who you are, and personally I don't like to surround myself with people that do not or cannot take me for who I am. I have many friends who may dislike a specific personality trait about me, and vice versa, but we learn to tolerate, not change each other. I imagine the things you are talking about fall under the category of things you don't mind altering to appease others. (i.e. withholding from farting/burping, cussing, blowing nose at the table, to name a few ). Again, there is a choice involved.

I am talking about fundamental character issues that may damage the other person. While I too value unconditional acceptance, I work to change aspects of my CHARACTER which hurt those I love. Who I am is not some immutable stone being that cannot change. There is an essential core "soul" but what I love, what I hate, what I desire and what I fear are not set in stone.

The point I was making was in regard to fidelity. I may "love women". Love the variety. Love the chase. Desire to experience all the wonderful plethora of different kind of female bodies there are. This may be a pretty definitive part of who I am. A "ladies man".

But if I am to be in a committed relationship, that part of me is incompatible with committed monogamy. It has to die. I have to change if I am to have what I really need, precisely because of the effect of my behaviour on my partner.

I control it therefore with focus. It's summer, a sexy woman strolls past, with bare back. If I turn and gaze longingly, the electro-pathways in my brain connect in a certain way, reinforced with every subsequent reaction to the sight I am desiring.

To have any hope of fidelity, I need to resist the urge to look back. To control my reactions rather than be controlled by them. In time, the mentalpathways realign, and reinforce a different response set. We see this in anger management, in healing depression, in overcoming self-loathing etc etc.

I consider my sexuality something I cannot change, like my skin colour, height etc. Nor do I believe I should HAVE to if indeed I had this choice you seem to think I do. And come on.. an island? Way to overexaggerate my comment for dramatic effect. You may as well have just come out and called me a sociopath. Cheers!

Well my sexuality is as I said changeable and dependent on my actions, not my desires. Depending on what I do, I can be celibate, adulterous, homosexual, monogamous, polygamous, heterosexual. I can desire any of these sexual states, but the definitions are defined by actions. If I have control over my actions, I can change my sexuality.

Sorry Yorick. I do not agree with dealing in absolutes - "not entertaining a thought" seems impossible to me. Individual thoughts come and go all the time, but I control if I share or act on them. We'll have to agree to disagree here.

I do it all the time man. If I entertain offense for example, I become bitter, hard, angry and cold. I have to "not entertain a thought" if I am to be loving, forgiving, happy and passionate.

If I can do it in one area, I can do it in others. What we choose to focus on shapes our life.

I think this comment needs further refinement before it is completely accurate. I'm sorry, but you don't wake up in the morning and think "today I'm going to desire FEMALE genitalia instead".

I don't desire female genitalia. I desire the love and affection of one person. A single person. I have repressed desires for other people so that I can increase the desire for that single person, which gets stronger and stronger as the years progress. It is not her sex which makes her special to me, but who she is. She is an amazing human being, and I desire her conversation, her hugs, her presence, her admiration, her touch, her softness, her skin, her voice, her tears, her laughter, her inventiveness, her passions, her music, her cares. She is so much more than just "female genitalia".

Yes Yorick, love does involve choice. But again I feel like you're insinuating you have complete control over the situation. Just because "True Love" involves some level of choice (i.e. choosing not to see a person because they are no good for you, or knowing it just will not work in the long run so you end it early, or giving someone a second chance), does not mean you choose attraction, chemistry, etc.

It is a well known fact that a man often becomes more physically attractive to a women further into the relationship. (Just look at how many ugly guys get great looking women... lol ) What we perceive as attractive is often based on association. I've dated incredibly hot women, who have, at the end of a very destructive relationship, been repulsive to me! When I was single, there were types of women I used to be attracted to, who I would be turned off in a heartbeat because they share similar characteristics to the said destructive relationship.

I believe we are more changeable than you give us credit for, and more responsible and in control of elements of who we are than you perhaps realise.

I'd just simply ask that you entertain these possibilities and own your choices more. I'm not saying "don't be gay", why would I say that? I'm simply trying to raise awareness of how much we can change, inside our own head.

And I'm still working on changing!