[Bungleau]

Aaauuggghhh!!! It's the old geezers helping the young'un thread! Well, let me pull up my walker and share a few thoughts...

First, none of us here know exactly what she's going through, or exactly what the two of you are dealing with or will have to deal with. So that makes us about as authoritative as the writing inside a fortune cookie to some extent [img]smile.gif[/img]

However, we've seen a few things along the way. And your posts raise warning signs to me, and to others, as you can see.

On a side note, there is a category of overly dependent person who tries to separate you from your friends, family, and others, and keep you just for themself. That can be abusive, and while I'm sure it's nothing related to what's going on, I can tell you that phrases like "I've got no one left but you" are common for those folks. I suspect one of our resident psychology aficionados can explain more of that.

First and foremost... just because a child is adopted does *NOT* mean that the parents love that child any less than a biological child. I have friends who are adopted, and friends who have adopted. Adopting a child is one of the most loving things you can do. I'll bet you dinner that her parents do love her, and do support her. And if you asked them, they'd tell you that.

Second, part of a parent's job is to prepare their children to live in the real world without their parents' support. That doesn't mean that their parents don't support them; rather, it means that parents have to let their children sink or swim on their own. And sometimes as a parent, you can see bad things about to happen, and you just have to let them happen. You can't always be the superhero and save your child.

I'll tell you right now that my six-year-old son runs back and forth between loving me like there's no tomorrow and deciding that I'm the meanest person in the world. Sometimes within the span of 20 seconds, too! It's normal... and it's about letting him learn consequences and decision-making. I'd rather have him do that on a bicycle than behind the wheel of a car...

Next, growing up is getting your parents mad at you. I did it, I'm sure others have, and I'm sure my kids will in a few years. There's a challenge for the parents to continue to love their children, and sometimes to let them make mistakes. It is *NOT* the parents' obligation to fix every mistake and right every wrong. That ends somewhere around ten, right around when band-aids aren't the best cure for everything under the sun.

Next in line, remember that parents are human too. Kids don't come with instruction manuals, not even adopted kids. You have to learn as you go, and sometimes as a parent, you make mistakes. I've done it with my kids, and I've apologized to them. It's hard sometimes, but it has to be done.

Sixth (or whatever), if you're going to elope, do it because you're running toward something, not away from something. I have friends who, while they didn't elope, did the justice of the peace thing. I got permission to skip school to attend... they were divorced within three years, IIRC. To my knowledge, neither one has really recovered from it, and it's been 20 years.

As a dad, I can tell you what I've told my kids already, and will continue telling them: I'll always love them, even though I may not like the things that they do. It may not be easy, but I will do it. I suspect that deep down, her parents are the same way.

Humans are not solitary creatures. They need their packs, small though they may be. Don't cut yourself off from both packs before you need to.

Good luck.