[Arvon]

The Perfect Dump -
> Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's
> rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting
> the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless
> masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an
> expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet
> tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you
> feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect
>
> harmony with it.
>
> The Beer Dump -
> Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the
> beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2
> or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy
> dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for
> days.
>
> The Chili Dump-
> Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump
> stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
>
> The Cable Dump -
> Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone
> CO-axial
>
> cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You
> wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you
> leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
>
> The Latrine Dump -
> In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a
> tent
>
> around it wheresoldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't
> ever, ever look in the hole.
>
> The Mona Lisa Dump -
> This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can
> be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci
> weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to
> break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
>
> The Empty Roll Dump -
> You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that
> empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat.
> You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the
> curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then
> you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper"
> must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle
> yourself to the nearest full roll.
>
> The Splash Back Dump -
> You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the
> bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom
> with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed.
> Blot instead of wiping.
>
> The Aborted Dump -
> You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT!
> Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It
> isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.
>
> The Caesarian Dump -
> Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its
> simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a
> hole, and there's no
>
> obstetrician to help.
>
> The Alfresco Dump -
> Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a
> rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a
> good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive
> forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious
> interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
>
> The Childbirth Dump -
> This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture
> provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over
> your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better.
> You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the
> newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster
> loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can
> leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can
> do: Scream Call an Obstetrician Hope like hell have enough Vaseline
> to get you through it.
>
> The Tijuana Trot Dump -
> The phrase "Shit Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the
> ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower
> intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be
> better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because
> you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time
> in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
>
> The Machine Gun Dump -
> You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a
> sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence
> like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like
> a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.
>
> The Sound Effect Dump -
> You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are
> within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover
> the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously
> very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the
> following sound effects: Flush the toilet Sing the first two stanzas
> of your national anthem Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
>
> The Security Dump -
> You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without
> worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you
> in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle
> from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot
> against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly.
>
> The Cling-On Dump -
> For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little
> morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone
> else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands
> and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just
> hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and
> the bowl water. Maybe the
>
> person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.
>
> The Houdini Dump -
> You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has
> disappeared.
> Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole
> thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you
> should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better,
> because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the
> next person who comes in.
>
> The Flu Dump -
> You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down
> first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of
> nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps
> squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down
> up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?
>
> The Porta-Pottie Dump -
> Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about
> going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like
> taking a shit in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it
> smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.
>
> The Proctologist Dump -
> In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the
> firmament, but
> I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical
> about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of
> propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and
> refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but
> it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices
> here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and
> wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist
> and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
>
> The Whole Roll Dump -
> No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow
> the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode
> is consumer waste.
>
> The Graffiti Dump -
> You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl
> water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative
> squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs
> there...love it or leave it. It's your choice.
>
> The Encore Dump -
> Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your
> hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another
> dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's
> record is seven encores.
>
> The Born Again Dump -
> This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live
> through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but
> seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born
> again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.
>