[John D Harris]

1 . I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.



2 . Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.



3 . Half the people you know are below average.



4 . 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.



5 . 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.



6 . A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.



7 . A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.



8 . If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.



9 . All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.



10 . The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.



11 . I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.



12 . OK, so what's the speed of dark?



13 . How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?



14 . If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.



15 . Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.



16 . When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.



17 . Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.



18 . Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.



19 . I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.



20 . If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?



21 . Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.



22 . What happens if you get scared half to death twice?



23 . My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."



24 . Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?



25 . If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.



26 . A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.



27 . Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.



28 . The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.



29 . To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.



30 . The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.



31 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.



32 . The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.



33 . Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.