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Assassin · 05-24-2004, 10:55 PM

This is how I would write it out (I'm no good at saying what you could improve, because I do it by instinct):
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The building that belonged to Naval Intelligence Services was, for lack of other words, simply dull. It was big, square, and grey; in some places it badly wanted paint and in others it was just crying for the attention of a cleaning team. Dust that had collected for decades in several places had reached height of several centimeters. If not for the rains and strong winds it could have reached several meters, but since the façade faced the ocean’s bay, the dust had to remain on its current level. The façade was the only part of the building that had windows so it was the only place where the building was in bad condition. The rest of the building would not shame His Majesty’s palace in extravagancy with bright colors and golden armaments. The fact that the armaments’ golden color was almost gone did not pose any question or problem for the officer that was in charge of the maintenance. Half of the armaments were stolen by the local teenagers that wanted to do something daring. The maintenance officer, who went by Murdock, thought that the rest of them would be stolen soon enough, so that he would not have to trouble himself with such petty problems. Other problems, like the leaking roof or the odd choice of colors (bright red, brown and acidly yellow and of course grey) that the building was painted with were also regarded as petty [?- petty is perhaps not the right word here]. The only problem that was not petty [?- petty is perhaps not the right word here] in the bright eyes of a recently gutted fish was the problem with the name of the building that was written on the buildings rear (and doorless) side with welded letters. These twenty six letters- NAVALE INTELLEGENCE CERVESIS were his [pronoun; explicitly say who 'him' is] bane, his source of nightmares and also our source of jokes on his part.

Every night two events happened. The first event was the theft of several letters and their consequential dunking in a nearby lake, where they were left for Murdock who carried them all the way back and promptly nailed them in the morning to their proper place. The second one was the appearance of yet another set of letters that pointed out the obvious analphabetic side of Murdock (that wrote the name in the first place) and his inability to do anything regarding that issue, as well his inability to stop the night vandals. Murdock wanted to catch the thieves but he would not. Yes, he was still young enough and could give these “dirty rascals” a good chase and probably catch some, but he was as lazy as a cat on the sun. He went home precisely at eighteen hours while his [added in by me, but I don't know if they're his kids] kids appeared one or two hours later. Murdock wanted to hire some guards for the building, but our superior, chief of NIS, Helmut, was too greedy man. He said to Murdock that he did not give a damn about these letters but if Murdock cared about them, he would gladly deprive Murdock of his salary and use it to hire the guards. Murdock who was at the very least as greedy as Helmut who promptly refused.

As a matter of fact, it was Helmut’s greediness that brought me here. The old mangy fox, of whom Helmut resembled both in his appearance and his intellect, did not pay my salary for the late month. He had missed the deadline for a day and as I knew him well, if I did not collect it soon, I will not see it at all.

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Actually, I didn't know exactly how to switch around the last bit. You suddenly go into first person in the middle of the paragraph. You also miss a few 'the's, and other little things like that...

[ 05-24-2004, 11:00 PM: Message edited by: Assassin ]

05-24-2004, 10:55 PM	#8
Assassin Symbol of Cyric Join Date: March 23, 2003 Location: Canada Age: 37 Posts: 1,134	This is how I would write it out (I'm no good at saying what you could improve, because I do it by instinct): ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The building that belonged to Naval Intelligence Services was, for lack of other words, simply dull. It was big, square, and grey; in some places it badly wanted paint and in others it was just crying for the attention of a cleaning team. Dust that had collected for decades in several places had reached height of several centimeters. If not for the rains and strong winds it could have reached several meters, but since the façade faced the ocean’s bay, the dust had to remain on its current level. The façade was the only part of the building that had windows so it was the only place where the building was in bad condition. The rest of the building would not shame His Majesty’s palace in extravagancy with bright colors and golden armaments. The fact that the armaments’ golden color was almost gone did not pose any question or problem for the officer that was in charge of the maintenance. Half of the armaments were stolen by the local teenagers that wanted to do something daring. The maintenance officer, who went by Murdock, thought that the rest of them would be stolen soon enough, so that he would not have to trouble himself with such petty problems. Other problems, like the leaking roof or the odd choice of colors (bright red, brown and acidly yellow and of course grey) that the building was painted with were also regarded as petty [?- petty is perhaps not the right word here]. The only problem that was not petty [?- petty is perhaps not the right word here] in the bright eyes of a recently gutted fish was the problem with the name of the building that was written on the buildings rear (and doorless) side with welded letters. These twenty six letters- NAVALE INTELLEGENCE CERVESIS were his [pronoun; explicitly say who 'him' is] bane, his source of nightmares and also our source of jokes on his part. Every night two events happened. The first event was the theft of several letters and their consequential dunking in a nearby lake, where they were left for Murdock who carried them all the way back and promptly nailed them in the morning to their proper place. The second one was the appearance of yet another set of letters that pointed out the obvious analphabetic side of Murdock (that wrote the name in the first place) and his inability to do anything regarding that issue, as well his inability to stop the night vandals. Murdock wanted to catch the thieves but he would not. Yes, he was still young enough and could give these “dirty rascals” a good chase and probably catch some, but he was as lazy as a cat on the sun. He went home precisely at eighteen hours while his [added in by me, but I don't know if they're his kids] kids appeared one or two hours later. Murdock wanted to hire some guards for the building, but our superior, chief of NIS, Helmut, was too greedy man. He said to Murdock that he did not give a damn about these letters but if Murdock cared about them, he would gladly deprive Murdock of his salary and use it to hire the guards. Murdock who was at the very least as greedy as Helmut who promptly refused. As a matter of fact, it was Helmut’s greediness that brought me here. The old mangy fox, of whom Helmut resembled both in his appearance and his intellect, did not pay my salary for the late month. He had missed the deadline for a day and as I knew him well, if I did not collect it soon, I will not see it at all. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Actually, I didn't know exactly how to switch around the last bit. You suddenly go into first person in the middle of the paragraph. You also miss a few 'the's, and other little things like that... [ 05-24-2004, 11:00 PM: Message edited by: Assassin ] __________________ In The Terminator, Sarah Connor is told a speech by John Connor\'s father that John has given in the future. When John is born, Sarah tells John this speech, and John grows up to tell it in the future. So who wrote the speech?!