Hiya.
Relationship commitment. Personal politics. Perceived betrayals. Envy. Lack of clear direction. Friendships pulled apart by the stress of negative emotion.
They hit pretty hard when you're not prepared for them.
A few nights ago I went home and 'spent the night' with a woman I've been attracted to for quite some time (let's call her 'Michelle' for anonymity's sake). Trouble is, she is the ex-girlfriend of my good friend (and flatmate), let's call him 'John'. Michelle and John officially split up about a month ago on 'mutual' terms, but it still appears that John has some feelings for her.My being with Michelle has caused John to be noticably depressed. He isn't a great coper...
Michelle is confused as to what to do, she does not want to hurt John, but she says she 'wants this' between us. However, two days ago, she all of a sudden decided that she thinks we should not be together, only to change her mind later that day. Needless to say, she is a little torn up about this.
To add to the complication, another friend of mine, let's call him 'Daniel', who is incidentally good friends with Michelle, also has 'romantic' feelings for her. His envy seems to be showing through by his telling her that she should feel awful about being with me. "how could you do that to John? I seriously can't believe you Michelle. This isn't like you at all" were his exact words (according to Michelle). Again, I don't want to alienate my friends, but I still cannot deny the feelings that I have for Michelle (whom I have been platonic friends with for quite some time anyway).
Michelle is racked with guilt (she is the hyper-altruistic type, I guess that's what makes her so attractive. She's training to be a kindergarten teacher, she really is lovely). John is sinking into deeper depression than normal, and Daniel is retreating into a hightened pattern of aggression and spite.
What to do...what to do?
For me,
priority number one is: do what is best for Michelle.
priority two: do what is best for our larger circle of friends. High tension between four individuals within our friend-circle (Michelle included) only serves to stress everyone else out too.
priority three: sort out my own needs and wants.
Right now, it is looking like Michelle and I should let this drop, not for the sakes of Daniel or John, they are grown men for all intents and purposes (I call age 22 grown-up
) and shall simply have to learn to deal with their egos, but more for the fact that everything was so much more stable within our circle of friends before this happened. Plus both Michelle and I will be going our separate ways over the summer. We will both return to Dunedin in February. Maybe we should let things drop for now and see how we feel in a few months time.
Incidentally, I will be going fruit-picking for a month with both John and Daniel from mid November until mid December. We will be living together, in close quarters (tenting on-site at the orchard we will be working at). I don't really want there to be any animosity between us for obvious reasons...
Shit, I don't know. I've never really been this confused. I normally don't feel this way, emotionally. I havn't cared this much about a woman in years. Normally I can sort out what I want to do with my life with ease, no worries. A logical path presents itself and I follow it...But man, now I just feel like I'm stranded in the middle of an ocean, no sense of direction, not sure which way leads to land (to put it in trite poetic terms...).
Maybe no way leads to land, maybe all ways do.
*sigh*. Man... has anyone got any advice? I realise that it may be hard for anyone here to help with this, having not really been told anything about the situation beyond what I've told you. Who knows, maybe my self-absorbtion is completely clouding the issue, maybe nothing is wrong at all... I don't know. And therein lies the issue, I just don't know, do any of you guys?
By the way, Michelle and I have agreed not to see each other for a couple of days. We're going to meet up for coffee later in the coming week to decide what to do.