[Arvon]

OH BABY
Several of my friends and fellow Antaeans are going to have babies this summer, so here's a simple test to determine if, indeed, you are ready to be a parent...
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain one large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. start to waltz and hum at the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay it down and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these until 4:00 a.m. Set your alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.