| Hivetyrant |
05-01-2005 09:33 PM |
lol
Well, I found this pretty funny (some parts) I guess a few of you guys might as well ;)
Quote:
And So It Begins...
Two new Popes came to power last Tuesday. One was elected at the Vatican in Rome, the other was an Irish Catholic chancer sitting by his computer in his hovel of a home. Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm the second one, the Cyber-Pope.
I became the Cyber-Pope Benedict XVI about an hour after Cardinal Ratzinger was named Pope Benedict XVI. When it was announced that the Pope had chosen the name of Benedict XVI, I had what I thought was a flash of entrepreneurial brilliance.
As I'd been waiting for that flash since birth and was beginning to give up, I decided to seize the day by going to MSN Italy and registering the following email address:
popebenedictxvi@hotmail.it
Then, I, erm, put it up for sale on eBay. I did this for the laugh, at least for the most part, but when I checked the next morning a bidder from the US had bidded $153. There was also a message left by a BBC journalist asking for an interview, which led to the first article.
It was at this point that things began to snowball . Later that day, I was contacted by RTE, Ireland's equivalent to the BBC, and they wanted to do a television and radio interview. I heartily accepted, though I was extremely nervous. It wasn't the interview that was bothering me too much, I've had plenty of experience doing those as a student and as a journalist. My main reason for feeling so nervous was that I wasn't actually sure if what I was doing was legal (a question I'd still like answered).
Since then the story has been picked up by the news media all over the world, 25 countries and still counting, and my humble Hotmail account has become an international icon of opportunism.
Needless to say, these are strange, strange times for me.
Then I began to receive emails from people from around the world, many of whom got their wires crossed and thought they were writing to the Pope. Some were hilarious, some quite touching, and others downright abusive, but enjoyably so.
My favourites of course were those congratulating me on my spur of the moment idea. I believe the word 'genius' was in many of them, proving they weren't from anyone who actually knows me. The real genius was the guy in Florida who registered the website domain of BenedictXVI.com in advance of the election.
That's not to say I wasn't tempted to wind up the God-Squad, just to get revenge for all of the times they've wound me up throughout my life. First, I considered the obvious: making an announcment lifting the bans on condoms, homosexuality and the idea that priests have magic powers which can turn a piece of wafer into the body of Christ. Then, just for a fleeting moment, I considered writing something a little less tactful, but possibly more truthful :
"Dear Catholic,
I don't know you, but you're clearly one of my more stupid minions. Think about it. I live in a palace, I have a billion people who are willing to die of AIDS because I place more value on sperm, and these days I'm bigger than Jesus.
And you seriously think I'm going to pray for one, tiny little village in India? You guys in the Third World just crack me up. Get back to me if you happen to wake up some day and find you're European, preferably Aryan.
Blessings etc.,
Pope Benedict XVI"
But my conscience got the better of me and though I've many difficulties with Catholic ethics I didn't fancy misrepresenting the Pope, who's seems like a nice enough bloke to me. So I apologised for the confusion and provided them with the Pope's real email address which is:
benedictxvi@vatican.va
Just when I thought the bidding at the auction might go crazy following the international exposure, someone at eBay decided to stop my auction. I still don't know why, they just gave me a couple of links to eBay policies, as eBay don't believe in customer service.
After a few days, I was told that they were now willing to allow for it to go back up for auction and the address sold for $161, all of which will be spent on causing confusion.
Things didn't go too well on the auction, so perhaps someone will step in to help me escape the miserable, murky depths of student debt. Otherwise - and you'd better sit down for this - I fear I'll die. I'm not quite so sure how long a person can survive on cornflakes alone, so I'm counting on you your help.
So what's the point of me being Cyber-Pope?
Well, I'm starting a new religion type thing, which is to be called Confusionism (not to be confused with Confucianism, which is far more cerebral than anything I could dream up).
It's a religion for those of us who are confused about life in general, or simply wish to confuse others.
For instance, a Confusionist applying for a job would place more emphasis on causing confusion than getting the job. A standard example would be to try and pass yourself off as the leader of a new religious group, instead of finding a job by applying for a job advertised in the newspaper.
Confusionism can also be used as a religious supplement, a pseudo-spiritual top-up even, by anyone who feels their religion isn't living up to the hype.
That said, I'll let anyone join, and it's not a problem if you want to keep your own religion. Confusionists (i.e. me) aren't the preaching type and we're pretty indifferent to issues regarding race, sexuality, gender etc.
We're also pretty hip in that we don't discriminate against boozing, smoking, or anything else that takes your fancy (provided it doesn't harm anyone - George W. Bush being an obvious exception). Once Confusionism is up and running I might issue a Cyber-papal bull which changes a thing or two, just to keep my devotees on their toes.
As I reckon the crack addicts among you will be the most likely to join up, I'm letting everyone who applies in regardless of their background. However, I will be establishing a caste system so you could find yourself in a low caste if you're a Tory-boy, a BNP member, a Nazi or a former Big Brother contestant.
So far, I'm the only member, that's why I get to be the Cyber-Pope, but I'll be recruiting Cyber-Cardinals, Cyber-priests and Cyber-nuns in the near future so let me know if you're interested in becoming a high ranking member of the world's slowest growing religion.
To get in, you may have to pass certain requirements (such as emailing me), but as Cyber-Pope I can guarantee they won't be particularly difficult and this religion/philosophy/silly notion will be suitable for lazy people who don't like going out on Sundays with a hangover.
It won't cost you anything to join, but if you are incredibly wealthy I'd appreciate lots of money if you have lots to spare. As Cyber-Pope, I'll also need a plush building if I'm going to inspire fear and awe in my followers. So, if there's anyone out there willing to build a small city-state for me I'd be much obliged. Just tell me where and when and I'll make my way over with my things.
I'll elaborate more in my next post, in which I'll be announcing the 11 Commandments of Confusionism (10% extra free) and let you all know where the world's fastest religion is going. A proper website and a reasonably theological textbook are also notions which might actually materialise over the summer if this murderous cult, eh, I mean religion, takes off.
I also intend to distribute Cyber-sainthoods to those I feel worthy of them, or to those who have promoted the cause of Confusionism. We'll also be needing martyrs. The good news is that you don't have to die or commit suicide to become a Confusionist martyr, just ending up in hospital for the Confusionist cause will do.
I'm afraid that if you find this all of this confusing, you're actually beginning to understand, but you'll still have to bookmark this page and come back to see where all of this is going.
Once I finish my coursework - I have lots of articles on the politics of climate change if anyone fancies a look - and Confusionism has conquered a country or two, it's highly likely you'll have to either promote Confusionism, sell all of your valuables to pay off my student debt, or, better still, find me a job in journalism. Lots of people have already joined and are secretly plotting to confuse others, mainly through emails, so post any fresh ideas for spreading confusion on the comments section.
If you'd like to sign up, be told the secret of life, or even request my CV so you too can enjoy my long list of achievements, please feel free to email me at: benedictxvi@hotmail.it .
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