Post your jokes here!! And try to keep it clean the moderators like it that way.

Carpet

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''

Lem: ''I got fired from my job as a bank guard.''
Clem: ''That's awful. What happened?''

Lem: ''Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it.''

Clem: ''What did thief do then?''

Lem: ''He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!''

those are great [img]smile.gif[/img]
Anyway, do they have to be jokes that you made up, or can you get them from elsewhere?

Helisoft

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Both.

Four women go to a doctor, each with a son or a daughter of theirs.
The doctor says, "Now, you are all here because you have certain obsessions that you need to realize.
So the doctor turns to the first woman and says, "You're so obsessed with money that you named your daughter Penny."
He turns to the second woman and says, "You're so obsessed with food that you named your son Crescant (okay, that's not exactly what he says there, but that's good enough)."
The doctor looked at the third woman, and said, "You're so obsessed with tools that you named your son Jack Hammer."
Before the daughter can talk to the last woman about her obsession, she turns to her son and says, "Come on Dick, I don't even want to hear what this man has to say."

Never Judge a Book by it's Author
---------------------------------------------------
Is O. J. Guilty?..............Howard I. Know
Animal Illnesses............. Ann Thrax
French Overpopulation.........Francis Crowded
Fallen Underwear .............Lucy Lastic
Downpour! ....................Wayne Dwops
Cloning ......................Ima Dubble
Irish Flooring ...............Lynn O'Leum
I Lived in Detroit ...........Helen Earth
Inflammation, Please .........Arthur Itis
Handel's Messiah .............Ollie Luyah
House Construction ...........Bill Jerome Home
Unemployed ...................Anita Job
Off to Market ................Tobias A. Pigg
Holmes Does it Again .........Scott Linyard
Home Alone IV ................Eddie Buddyhome
Lewis Carroll ................Alison Wonderland
Leo Tolstoy ..................Warren Peace
The L. A. Lakers Breakfast ...Kareem O' Wheat
Neither a Borrower ...........Nora Lender Bee
The French Chef ..............Sue Flay
Tight Situation ..............Leah Tard
The Scent of a Man ...........Jim Nasium
Why Cars Stop ................M. T. Tank
Wind in the Willows ..........Russell Ingleaves
Look Younger .................Fay Slift
Mountain Climbing ............Andover Hand
It's Springtime! .............Theresa Green
No! ..........................Kurt Reply
And Shut Up! .................Sid Downe

Ouch! Those are terrible! [img]tongue.gif[/img]

This is one I just made up. It's a Harry Potter: Chamber of Secrets joke.

You are so ugly you petrified the Basilisk!

Think that one was good?

I'm not really sure, I'm not a Harry Potter fan, but I think that the Basilist was the one that stoned the guys, so it's not bad ;)
Wait, getting stoned? Not bad at all [img]graemlins/cheers.gif[/img]