Ironworks Gaming Forum - A White House Response

Evidently the White House is responding to some whiners and complainers who are upset over the treatment of the Islamic Jihadist detainees at Gitmo in Cuba. The Neal Boortz Show has come into possession of this letter, which speaks for itself:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC

Dear Concerned Citizen

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently
being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. My administration takes
these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard and
heeded here in Washington.

You will be please to learn that, thanks to the concerns of
citizens like you, I will be announcing today the creation
of a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to
be called "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers," or
LARK.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we
have decided to place one Al Qaeda terrorist under your
personal care. Your very own personal terrorist detainee
has already been selected and will be arriving at your home
under heavy armed guard next Monday. His name is Ali
Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud, but you can just call him Ahmed.
He is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you
personally demanded in your letter of admonishment to my
office.

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant
caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure
that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with
those standards you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly
suggest serving meals that do not require utensils,
particularly knives and forks. Also, these should be
"one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand
since he uses that hand to wipe himself after purging his
bowels (which he will do in your yard). But look on the
bright side .. no increased toilet paper expenses.

Ahmed generally bathes quarterly with the change of
seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes
simultaneously. This should help with your water bill.
Also, your own personal detainee has a terribly bad case of
body lice that we have been unable to completely remedy.

Please heed the large orange notice attached to your
detainee's portable cage: "Does not play well with others."
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we
hope that your liberal sensitivity to what you described as
his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these
antisocial character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in
describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

Ahmed will, given a chance, bit you. We have included a
copy of his latest rabies test, which showed negative
results.

We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient
in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish a human life with
simple household items such as a pencil or nail clippers.
We suggest that you refrain from asking him to demonstrate
these skills for your morning coffee klatch.

Ahmed is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive
devices from common household products, so you may wish to
keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this
might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters
except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form
of property. However, he will be eager to assist with the
education of your sons. To facilitate this education you
may wish to have several copies of the Q'uran available for
his use.

Oh ? and rest assured that Ahmed absolutely loves animals,
especially cats and dogs. Roasted will be fine, but
dog-kabob works perfectly well.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when
folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the
proper way to do our job. We think that watching over each
other's shoulder is such a good way for people to interact.
So, we will be sending a team of federal officials with
expertise in your line of work to your place of business in
the next few days, just to help you do your job better.

Please, don't be concerned that our federal observation
team has the power to close your business, seize your
property and arrest you for any violation of 4,850,750
laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your
profession. They are really there to help and to make sure
you do everything in the proper way.

Thanks again for this opportunity to interact with such a
valued and compassionate member of the American family.
You take good hear of Ahmed, you hear? And let us know
when you think he is ready to be released into American
society.

Very truly yours,

George W. Bush.