Celebrity Quotes

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
-Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
-Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
-Bill Cosby

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
-Elayne Boosler

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
-Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
-Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-Jerry Seinfield

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
-Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams

Hahahaha good stuff :D especially that last un!
Anyone got any more? Id love to see this become a large thread with many many funny quotes
[img]smile.gif[/img]

LMAO Typical Jay Leno remark. :D

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore...I get the same effect just standing up fast.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and s###head's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Welcome to S### Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

LOL. Those quotes are great!!! :D

:D Yes I concur these are great and should become classics!

* Speed on brother ... Hell ain't half full yet.

* If u put a yelly bean in a jar in the period of time before people are married for each time they have an intelectul/deep talk and u will take one out for the same reason once they are married the jar wil never get empty.

* Everyone's issue number one is the number one issue.

* You don't stop playing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop playing.

* When you expect all the worst, all surpises are good ones.

* Succes is a matter of Luck ...
Just ask any failure!@

* Ignorance can be cured. Stupidity is forever.

* The greatest happiness in life is to acknowledge the fact that you don't need happiness at all to live happily.

* The opera isn't over until the last heterosexual falls asleep. (Al Bundy)

* The world owes you nothing. It was here first. --Mark Twain

* Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back!@

* A pat on the back is just a few inches away from a kick in the behind!@

* If you saw Bill Clinton drowning in a river,.....
and you could either save him or snap a Pulitzer Prize winning photo ...
What shudder speed would you use?

More to come later!@

LOL it is cool hahaha do you have some more?

Sure ... here's some more!@

* Those who seek the truth only want to seek justification for their actions in the past and for their coming actions in the future.

* " Dying fearless is a Gods given gift" (Author=Hexa)

* If you are good, you'll be assigned all the work.
If you are reaaly good, you'll get out of it!

* Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

* "The heart has its reasons which reason does not understand."
- Blaise Pascal

* Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.
- Albert Einstein

* Life is a tragedy for those who feel; a comedy for those who think.
- Jean De La Breyere

* For in much wisdom is much grief, and increase of knowledge is increase of sorrow.
- Ecclesiastes

* Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.
- Henry David Thoreau

* Tell me,and I might forget
Show me,and I might remember
Involve me,and I will understand
- Chinese proverb

* A wise man is superior to any insults which can be put upon him and the best reply to unseemly behavior is patience and moderation.

More later!@ [img]smile.gif[/img]

Some good additions above there....