Ironworks Gaming Forum - Science in the News

Taken from George Carlins book, Nalpalm and Silly Putty.

BRAVE NEW WORLD OF SCIENCE

Scientists in Switzerland announced today they have been able to
make mice fart by holding them upside-down and tapping them on
the stomach with a ballpoint pen.

A pair of Siamese twins in Australia, surgically separated six months
ago, has been sewn back together. Apparently, each of them could
remember only half the combination to their locker.

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no
symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure.
Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

The Nobel Prize in mathematics was awarded yesterday to a Cali-
fornia professor who has discovered a new number. The number is
"bleen," which he says belongs between six and seven.

The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach can-
cer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a
long period of time.

A Swedish entomologist claims that common houseflies are highly
intelligent and can be trained to fix umbrellas and dance in a circle,

Botanists in England have developed a plant that may help solve
the world's hunger problems. Although it has no food value of its
own, when the plant reaches maturity it sneaks across the yard and
steals food from the neighbors.

An x-ray technician at New York Hospital has died from a rare
disease known as cancer-of-the-part-in-the-hair. In a desperate at-
tempt to treat himself, twenty-eight-year-old Norris Flengkt shaved
his head completely bald. Unfortunately, the cancer thought it was
simply a wider part and proceeded to devour his entire skull.

Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new
engine whose only function is to lubricate itself.

Astronomers announced that next month the sun, the moon, and
all nine planets will be aligned perfectly with the earth. They say,
however, the only noticeable effect will be that the Nome to Rio
bus will run four days late.

Thanks to the sharp eyes of a Minnesota man, it is possible that
two identical snowflakes may finally have been observed. While out
snowmobiling, Oley Skotchgaard noticed a snowflake that looked
familiar to him. Searching his memory, he realized it was identical
to a snowflake he had seen as a child in Vermont. Weather experts,
while excited, caution that the match-up will be difficult to verify.

Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there
is still a two-hundred-year supply of brake fiuid.

According to astronomers, next week Wednesday will occur twice.
They say such a thing happens only once every 60,000 years and
although they don't know why it occurs, they're glad they have an
extra day to figure it out.

A team of microbiologists announced today they have discovered
something they cannot identify. According to them it is long and
thin and smells like a tractor seat.