Ironworks Gaming Forum - Sound Familar?

To: All Employees
Subject: New Policies

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
his is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In
rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your
share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an approved excuse. However, we do require at
least
2 weeks advance notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. Therefore, in the
future all employees will follow the practice
of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with
'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10; employees whose names begin with 'B' will go
from 8:10 to 8:20; and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it
will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In
extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with another coworker.
However, both employee supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In
addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the
end of 3 minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:

The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better
understand their paychecks.

Example:
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax: 244.40
Outcome tax: 45.21
State tax: 11.61
Interstate tax: 61.10
County tax: 6.11
City tax: 12.22
Rural tax: 4.44
Back tax: 1.11
Front tax: 1.16
Side tax: 1.61
Up tax: 2.22
Tic-tacs: 1.98
Thumbtacks: 3.93
Carpet tacks: .98
Stadium tax: .69
Flat tax: 8.32
Surtax: 3.46
Corporate tax: 2.60
Parking fee: 5.00
FICA: 81.88
TGIF fund: 9.95
Life insurance: 5.85
Health insurance: 16.23
Dental insurance: 4.50
Mental insurance: 4.33
Reassurance: .11
Disability: 2.50
Ability: .25
Liability: 3.41
Unreliability: 10.99
Coffee: 6.85
Coffee cups: 66.51
Floor rental: 6.85
Chair rental: .32
Desk rental: 4.32
Union dues: 5.85
Union don'ts: 3.77
Cash advance: .69
Cash retreats: 121.35
Overtime: 1.26
Undertime: 54.83
Eastern time: 9.00
Central time: 8.00
Mountain time: 7.00
Pacific time: 6.00
Oxygen: 10.02
Water: 16.54
Heat: 51.42
Cool air: 26.83
Hot air: 20.00
Miscellaneous: 113.29
Various: 8.01

============== Net Pay: $0.12
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

[ 01-19-2002: Message edited by: John D Harris ]</p>